Letters to Jim: A trip to Florida

Dear Jim:

Well I got back from Florida last night wondering why I had looked forward to going so much.  Despite all the hospitality everyone showed us  there is no question that I’m not  ready for Florida yet. Don’t get me wrong. Some of my best friends are Floridians! I think not being there all the time makes the difference as being a short timer seems to accentuate some of the quirks that  I never hear any of my friends talk about .

Driving is really a hoot. There are cars on the road that you have to stay far far away from. These are cars that appear to be moving along without a driver. Actually  there are little old men behind the wheel. You look for the telltale hairy ears sticking out of  either side of the headrest and that’s the signal to steer clear.

You need to carry a sharp stick in the car. This is so your partner  can stick it in your ribs to wake you up after a five minute traffic light. Waiting at traffic lights is one of the main activities in Florida and explains why people always say  “ I don’t know what I do all day but I’m busy all the time.”

A lot of type A executives end up in Naples. Those that  have recently  retired are roaring around at high speed, turning right on red lights without slowing down and generally can be identified by how close they are driving up the rear of some poor 91 year old. Gradually, they slow down and become like the rest of the population careful not to exceed the 30mph limit…anywhere.

Every morning, you wake up and attach your wife to your hip for the “walk”. You can see the couples by the hundreds. Those who need hip replacements are weaving side to side. The ones using Walkers try to stay to the right. Usually the women are walking just a little bit faster than the man.  The men aren’t saying a word and the wives are babbling on to them about Grandchildren or some shopping extravaganza. I am convinced this daily ritual alone accounts for the high number of assisted suicide requests found in Florida.

And by the way, I’m here to predict that  the Florida custom of never having your spouse leave your sight 7/24 is unlikely to catch on anywhere else.

You keep telling me to buy a place and I finally called a real estate agent for Bonita Bay.

“Hi, I’m looking for a condo in Bonita.”

“Great, what area are you thinking about?”, says the agent.

“The Sanctuary interests me”

“What street would you like to be on?”

“ Memory Lane"

“North or south side of the street?”

“North is good”

“What price range?”

“$500 to $525k tops?”

“How many days are you here?

“5”

“OK, if you can start before 8AM every day for the next 5 days we can show you most of what is available in the Sanctuary  on the North side of Memory Lane in that price range.”

Boy, I don’t know if it  isn’t a little early to be buying but the agent assured me again for the third year in a row that this was the perfect time and she really knows her stuff.

Golf in Florida has some strange features. You spend $ 175k to join a club, $12k per year for dues, $20 for “trail fees” (read golf cart) and when you are finished your round some goof ball is waiting with a dirty rag to wipe your clubs and you give him $2-$3 dollars out of your pocket. Go figure!

 Fortunately my friends all left Florida when I announced my dates so I was only able to organize a couple of games. This saved me tons of money! 

Have fun for the rest of the season in Florida and be careful on the migration drive home.

Bill Meder