Letters to Jim: Golf trip to Scotland

Dear Jim:

I know you are going to ask me how Scotland was. Rather than repeat the story many times this is it in a nutshell.

It started with a phone call at 10.30 am from a dear friend  as I was pumping gas at a self-serve station in high winds trying to save 2 cents/litre. “Hey, what are you doing two weeks Saturday? Want to go golfing? Ok says I, you’re course or mine? Turnberry, Scotland was the reply. “Don’t move”,he said, I’ll be right back. So as I sprayed my arm with Javal and Lemon juice to remove the gasoline smell, I waited.

Within minutes.”our two best buddies will join us, and I’ve got Business Class upgrades for the flight and a special (and I do mean special) rate for Turnberry.” “I’m in” was the knee jerk reaction, which seems to precede most of my horrendous decisions. As I drove home I thought to myself, “this austerity program I’ve been considering may not work out in the short run but I’ll get to it next month ” Oh well, how much can it cost anyway to play golf in Scotland for a week!?!? The first indications that the complete  answer to this question wasn’t going to be good was the $ 230 cab ride to the hotel.

And how bad can the weather get anyway? The 10 day forecast when I left said Rain, Rain, Rain, and Wind, Wind, And really windy. Temperatures at  45 degrees low with a high of 50. Can’t be right. They would all be underwater if it rained that much. I’ll pack a toque just in case as a joke.

So what is the big deal about golfing in Scotland? You know you are golfing in Scotland when:

Your caddy fee is greater than the biggest green fee you have ever paid in the USA.

Your discussion on the second hole is centered on the early signs of hypothermia.

You bring several golf outfits and find yourself wearing them all at the same time.

You welcome the onset of Sleet because the Hail is hurting your face.

You experience four seasons in one hour.

Every hole is in to the wind.

Your caddy has to tape his ankles after spending 18 holes walking in gorse.

You can spend in one week for green fees what it costs for the entire year at your home club.

Your caddy says,” its 80 yards, play it for 140!”

After missing every green for 17 holes your caddy says on the 18^th,” I want you to aim 5 yards left of that bunker about 240 yards ahead”

Your partners keep saying, “ Isn’t this great?” and the answer doesn’t quickly come to mind.

You are really, really happy when it is over.

My caddy broke my driver in two (no I’m not making this up) when he reacted to a three wood that went slightly off during my first round. This put me at a serious disadvantage for the next 5 days. I had to swing my three wood extra hard to compensate for not having a driver. I usually hit right after our big hitter belts out a 270-yard beauty. I found that if you really grip the club tight and swing as hard as you can you may make contact with your three wood but direction becomes a bit of an issue.

 The caddies are quite interesting. My caddy informed me on the first tee that he had placed 5^th in the British Open and is Vijay Singh’s caddy when he comes to play. My subsequent drive was topped to  160 yards!  It got worse when I saw the tears running down his face as the game progressed. Never mind the stress of golf. Imagine four really experienced caddy’s watching your back swing and groaning with every shot.

We played 8 rounds in five days and walked 40 miles. I personally hit over 800 shots! My feet were throbbing and my hands look like hamburger. We would have slept like babies but the hotel parties took place right outside the windows in our very modest $ 700 per night rooms until 2.00 am every night and we had to be up at 6.30am so we could play golf for 14 hours a day. I should be out of intensive care by the weekend.

 My favorite moment was on the ninth hole at Turnberry. There was a huge bunker on the right, up ahead. My caddy pulls out a 6 iron and says “what ever you do, don’t go in the bunker on the right. Aim left, further left, further left again. Don’t look at the bunker. We need to be careful here. Keep your head down. Follow through. I’ll watch the ball.  Play it safe!!”… Whack!.. I looked at him “ was that the bunker you didn’t want me in?” I tried to capture the expression on his face with my camera but he wouldn’t look at me.  We didn’t talk for the rest of the round.

So how did I play? Well at one point my friends  asked me to take a few holes off so the other members of the team could remove the thistles from their pants. I stopped keeping score after the second round and in one round picked up 16 times! I had 4 pars in 8 rounds. Two of my caddies, quit….the profession. After one round my caddy looked like he had taken a bullet and limped off without saying goodbye and another one, who started off drunk, informed me that he could hardly wait for the round to be over. I started off hitting the ground 2 inches behind the ball and by weeks end was hitting 10 inches behind the ball.  In summary, I played my game. The good news is that at 4.00 am the day we were returning home I figured out what I was doing wrong. I can hardly wait until Saturday to test out the corrections.

Was it all worth it? It is too early to say. I can’t say right now. With every traumatic experience your brain needs time to heal and process. I’ll let you know it a few weeks.

Bill Meder