Letters to Jim: Getting on the Health kick wagon

Dear Jim:

My new, new thing is instead of working on my physical fitness (gravity has been declared the winner) I’m going to work on the internal workings of my rapidly deteriorating body. I Googled “Nut jobs and Quacks” and found a Nutritional Consultant who specializes in Holistic Health Management. Before we could begin she insisted on an in depth analysis of my habits. The interview went something like this.

Current Eating habits:

Sugar? I prefer Brown.

Fruit? Can’t stand it.

Steak? Just twist off the horns and throw it on the Grill.

French Fries? Only at Lunch.

Butter? Always on Bread and Potatoes and extra on pancakes.

Fish? No interest.

Chicken? For poor people.

Fiber? Two tablespoons of Metamucil every night.

Desserts? Never at Breakfast.

Vegetables? Too filling.

Salads? For Girls .
Pizza? My basic food group leader.

Nuts? Prefer chips and dip.

 

Throwing up her hands in horror.."We haven’t a moment to lose!!

So off I go to the Health Life store with a list of “must have” items. It seems my breakfast of Yogurt, English Muffin with Peanut Butter and Blueberry jam needs updating.

Almond Butter rather than Peanut Butter, Big Organic Muesli 24 grain bagels instead of Muffins and Goat Yogurt rather than dairy based.

The bill for one breakfast worth was $33. Not to worry this will change my life. This morning I eagerly set about my new Health conscious regime.

Now if you have never tasted Almond Butter let me try and find an image for you. If you took Cow dung and spread it on a muffin and covered it with Blueberry Jam you would have a much better tasting treat with better texture.

The Yogurt was so sour that my lips are still puckered five hours later.

The Bagels which replaced my 90 calorie muffin are a hefty 250 calories. The Almond spread was 90 calories per tablespoon. I won’t be eating again until dinner. I’m under a lot of stress because there are no additives in any of these foods and they go bad in 48 hours so you really can’t leave the house for any extended period as you have to keep eating to make the deadline.

I think I’m cancelling my next session which was meant to be at the grocery store to gear me up for other meals and a lifetime of eating dry, tasteless seaweed inspired delicacies. I’m not making this up. She described a vegetarian sushi that I could make myself  which uses seaweed to wrap cucumber and avocado. The saliva was dripping down her chin as she talked about it.

I thought we were having a get to know you chat but apparently it was a consultation. She pocketed the $125 consulting fee as she described a “shake” that she could give me that I would take twice a day. One of the main benefits is that after a few weeks “you will see some really ugly black stuff coming out of your system”. Oh goody, says I. Sign me up for that.

I am kind of disappointed because I thought I had a new activity for the spring. Clearly I’m not a good candidate for this and I'm not ready to make the rest of my life more miserable than it is  likely to be without booze and cigarettes and chasing strange women. I will have to find something else.

I will keep you posted.

Bill Meder