Letters to Jim: Golf is getting frustrating.

Dear Jim:

I know it’s been a while. I wanted to tell you about my breakthrough in golf but it seems to be taking a tad bit longer than planned so I ‘m giving you an interim update.

By the way, let me start by thanking you for your suggestion re: Viagra. I‘ve had a logistics problem however. My doctor told me that before he would write me a prescription I would have to get a note from at least three women who would sign a document indicating that they would consider having sex with me. I’ve been carrying these documents around for a month now ( I’m telling people I have my lunch in my briefcase) but so far I haven’t got any takers. I guess if your wife won’t sign it is hard to convince others without that endorsement. Another good idea gone bad.

At any rate, with intense lessons and coaching as well as frequent practice sessions I have now moved from a 16 handicap to a steady 21. Last Saturday I shot a bogey free round. One par, 13 doubles and 4 triples.

My last gasp was to have a new equipment fitting. You won’t believe it. After hitting 50 balls the consensus was that I didn’t have enough strength to swing the club fast enough to hit the ball like a real golfer. In front of everyone they shouted out “you need a super-soft senior’s shaft”. The most humiliating event of my life. Can you imagine the nerve? I can still hear the snickering and tee-hees. And not just for the woods…irons also. There comes a time when you need to fight back and this was it. I immediately began exercising 6 hours a day and can hardly wait to tell them to bring out the stiff, steel shafts along with a one iron for a new fitting session. This whole episode set me back a fair bit and as you can imagine played havoc with my head. I will continue with my old clubs for now.

My lessons have resulted in changing everything about my swing including shaving my ankles so that nothing can get in the way of a smooth follow through. I have gone from only losing balls on the water holes to losing them on the par threes. I still go in the water every time there is water mind you and I’m now buying balls by the gross from a guy wearing a scuba outfit on the side of the highway. I can’t remember the last time I broke 90 and now I am dangerously close to100. While I used to be a model student used in advertising promotions, my pro now calls me shithead.

How bad is it you ask? Let me put this in perspective.  I’m sick of listening to all these bleeding hearts in the Gulf or Australia moaning and groaning about floods,  an oil spill or hurricane damage. So a few birds can’t fly and some fish have trouble breathing. I’ve got real problems! I’ve lost my golf swing!

You can always rebuild your trailer park or bring new sand in to cover your beach but for goodness sakes how can you compensate for a lost golf swing?

I’m looking seriously for a new sport. So far The Running of the Bulls, blindfolded, in Pamplona looks to be the winner. This is a sport where you can really only have one bad day! Perfect.

Bill