Letters to Jim: Taking the kids to Disneyland

Dear Jim:

The golf season is calling me and I can't promise you I will ever write you about it but I had to tell you about my inspired trip to Disneyland in California with my four-year-old Grand daughter. I picked up some valuable tips that you need to tuck away for the time when you decide to do this most enjoyable, one time only, unforgettable, trip of a lifetime.

First I need to warn you that if you don't really care for kids this is probably not the best choice for a vacation day.

As you know Disneyland is much different than Disneyworld in Orlando. If you live in LA you can do a day trip quite easily. The first thing you will notice is that the highway traffic is bumper to bumper although you will be traveling 80 MPH. When you have no idea where you are going this gives you that little extra shot of adrenalin early in the day that you are going to need…big time.

If you think because you exercise 4 days a week you are in shape to take a four year old to Disneyland for 8 hours in 100 degree heat with a cloudless sky and solid, black asphalt covering every square, unsheltered, centimeter, think again. Unless you are running a marathon every Saturday and can bench press 250 lbs you need help. Initially Sally and I were going to take Georgia alone but a discussion with my daughter resulted in her joining us. We needed all three of us and I would say that that is a good ratio to keep in mind. Actually to really be on the safe side you need 4 adults per four year old.

As Sally and I were preparing to leave, Jennifer told me to be careful that no one grabbed Georgia as kids disappear there all the time. Right…..just hold that thought for 8 hours I say to myself. You remember when I lost Robert in the Fairview Mall when he was four. No panic, I just waited till the Mall was closing and sure enough there he was wandering around having a great time. No biggie…. I didn't even tell his Mother!

Now if you lose a Grandchild it is clear to me that the only response is a dash for the border with the hope that you can buy a new identity from a drug cartel member and disappear forever.

Not being able to find handcuffs small enough or a rope suitable for attaching myself to Georgia I insisted that Jennifer come with us. Good thing as the three of us could barely handle the job.

The first thing you notice at Disneyland is a loud sucking noise as you approach the parking garage. This is not equipment related to fun but a monster vacuum that takes money out of your pocket faster than anything you have ever experienced.

The second thing you notice is a lot of Mexicans. Now you know some of my best friends are Mexicans but I'm sending a letter to congress telling them to stop wasting money on building a fence. If they had buses at the exit to Disneyland, in about three months there wouldn't be an illegal alien left in California.

This crowd is different than Disneyworld where cutting in line might provoke a verbal challenge from a fairly snooty looking North Easterner. The Disneyland  group on the other hand  looks like they would be very,very good in a knife fight. So no cutting in line would be my strong recommendation even if you were able to arm yourself.

Not wanting to be impolite but it seems that the American woman who goes to Disneyland brings new definition to the term " El Grande". Now I 'm looking at all these rides built in the 50's when the average weight of a woman was around 125 lbs. I only saw a couple of women in that range and the rest were pushing 250lbs if I were generous in my estimation. I'm watching the Dumbo ride as the arms of the baskets are groaning and bending under the strain. Mark my words; another couple of years of this and there is going to be a big disaster here. ( For similar reasons ,stay away from the bumper cars!)

The ride ritual goes like this. Thirty minutes of waiting in the sun (feels like 2 hours) and just as you are about to collapse you get a two-minute ride. You will find you are in terror at the end of the ride if your Grandchild liked it because you will be wincing at hearing  the word " again!".

The highlight of the day was waiting one hour to see Snow White and a couple of other babes in what is billed as some" personal time with the princesses". . Now here is an important tip. Apparently attempting to French kiss Snow White will bring security running hard, every time. I didn't see that coming.  I thought they could have spelled out better what personal time meant because after an hour in the sun you really want to connect with the activity. Georgia loved this part and I will send you the pictures of me sitting on Snow White's lap while she told me a story.

Here is another not so obvious tip. I hate sticky hands. Do not, in 100 degree heat or in fact under any circumstances buy your grandchild cotton candy which is eaten with both hands, up to the elbows followed by excessive licking and running of hands through hair, clothes and a special hug for Grandpa. The sticking power of that spun sugar baked in the sun would destroy the makers of super glue if it ever became common knowledge.

At any rate, Jim, it was a fabulous trip…8 hours non-stop, no place to sit down, and although we were on hands and knees  the last 100 yards we got  to the car in one piece and took off for the 2 hour drive through rush hour.  It was worth it. It was so good that I am telling everyone I can think of to do it. Heh Heh…..

Oh yes, I think Georgia liked it because she said I could come back for her 5th birthday if the newly renovated Small World is open.  Otherwise , "stay home!"

All the best,