Dear Jim:
If someone came up to you and said “how would you like to pee like a racehorse?” what thoughts would run through your head? I can’t recall being at a bar and overhearing two young beauties saying, “Have you met Bob?” He pees like a racehorse you know. It never occurred to me that this was a “must have “feature of success. Apparently, however, it seems to be the new rallying cry of the Geriatric set.
This is a piece of cake. It is called Green Light Laser Surgery. After a small procedure you will “pee like a racehorse”. Well not wanting to be left out and always being on the bleeding edge of new Technology I said, “Sign me up”. There are a lot of cruel people out there and I have discovered that a lot of relevant details were left out!
When I arrived at the Hospital they asked if I wanted to be put under or have a local that would paralyze me from the waist down. Being a coward, I chose to be unconscious. I didn’t like the paralyze part of the second option and certainly didn’t want to watch everyone watching me. Turns out that in the Urology department they only hire hot nurses that like older men! A bad joke instigated by the union I suspect.
When I woke up I discovered that they had inserted a one half inch pipe in to my penis….yes I did say in to my penis! This went in what felt like two feet and connected with my bladder. (I had been stretching my penis for a few weeks (with professional help obviously) so that I wouldn’t be embarrassed with all those nurses standing around.) This pipe had a camera, a laser and rear view mirrors for all I know but with this equipment the doctor, who never appeared before or after the surgery, burned, vaporized, sculpted and in layman’s terms “ripped me a new one”. As I came out of the anasetic I had the most uncontrollable discomfort I had ever experienced. The Nurse told me to relax and when I started crying she said the solution was to rip out and I do mean rip out the tube. Ok let’s go…take a deep breath… (This could be THE new interrogation technique for terrorists) and out she comes.
So now I’m sitting in a room with all kinds of activity coming and going and the nurse says “now you have to pee and we will send you home”. How hard can that be…I’m an expert at peeing. I start drinking water at 11am and by 4pm I’m still standing over the toilet with an uncontrollable urge to urinate but nothing coming out. Oh did I say nothing coming out…I lied…blood was coming out. Finally the nurse says she will have to put in a catheter and send me home and I would come back tomorrow to demonstrate my peeing capabilities. And the message is clear…you better be able to do it!
Now that I’m conscious I get to see how they do the catheter trick. They make you lie down, stark raving naked on your back with your legs in a frog position. They do this in the middle of the room where there is the most traffic and then they ask young nurses to bring all the pieces they forgot to get when they got ready. First to freeze your poor little Willy they take a big needle and ram it in to the head of your penis..You know the part that you’ve grown to love and nurture most of your life as the source of all meaningful pleasure. When you come down off the ceiling they then push a tube up your penis, and I must say, not in a loving way. This tube looks short but she pushes it in for what seems like several minutes. They then set the hook inside your bladder and strap a bag on to your leg and show you a whole bunch of twisting and pulling motions that are required to operate. Now you understand that this is attached to one of your favorite body parts and is subject to a lot of inadvertent pulling and snagging on clothes etc. And yes it is as uncomfortable and hurts just as much as you are imagining as you read this. Off you go. And by the way here is a big bag for the night and be sure to drink 4 liters of water before you go to bed.
Arriving home, I started drinking water and figuring out how to clean myself up. After they butcher a cow there is less blood than I had all over my delicate little body. The tube hanging from your penis and a heavy bag poorly attached to your thigh makes for some clenched teeth and watery eyes as you try to maneuver. You would have thought they would just hose me down before I left the hospital as a courtesy but apparently this is do it yourself medical care.
I keep tripping over that damn tube, and the cat thinks it’s a toy, and 4 liters of water gives me indigestion that almost makes it impossible to breath and I feel like throwing up and what if I can’t pee tomorrow…or ever again?
Anxiety and a feeling of impending doom completed the day and I crawled in to bed sitting straight up because I didn’t want to drown with all the water I had drunk. And I did throw up just to complete the picture. First time in 40 years and no sympathy was forthcoming from anyone I must add. Why were there no prescriptions for pain? I love Demerol or any other similar drug but they gave me nothing. Oops just a minute, here is an envelope that the nurse shoved in my pocket without comment and low and behold three prescriptions with no instructions. Sure wish I had found them before we were home ready for bed!
So after the worst night of my entire night I get up and try to get presentable and drive in to the hospital ready for my pee test. They have a new antagonist to remove the catheter and she laughs and giggles while she pulls the cord and I gasped (the way Mel Gibson gasped when they gutted him in the final scene of Braveheart. I’m sure this is how they got that look of pain on his face.)
So far the description “minor procedure, piece of cake, nothing to it, easy” seems to be applying to some other activity. They must have thought I said the Green Hornet and not the Green Laser. And have I mentioned the blood.
Now every man knows that you can’t pee on demand and that if someone is watching you it is an impossible activity. The nurse says “whistle” it might help. I can’t whistle with tears streaming down my cheeks. I ask the head nurse if she remembers me from yesterday so I can ask her some questions about what happened since no one has told me anything. She says she doesn’t recognize me with my clothes on. “Pull down your pants and I’ll tell you if I remember anything.”
At any rate, with clenched teeth and a rolling of my eyes I did manage to perform...more or less the same as I did before this all started. After threatening to put in a new catheter which caused me to faint, they did let me go home. I had to promise to go to Emergency over the weekend if any complications set in. Since no one has told me what a complication is I will go to the hospital if I die and for no other reason.
I realize this is a delicate subject and most people would say why share this personal experience. Well, I want to warn my fellow man as a public service announcement. If someone asks you if you want to pee like a racehorse, turn around and gallop away as fast as you can.
Bill Meder.
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