Letters to Jim: Visits with the Kids

Dear Jim:

Well, the holiday is over and I learned an important lesson spending the week in California with my daughter and our two Grandchildren. While Barabados, the beach and warm lazy days could have been an option I was  convinced that Grandparents need to visit their families at XMAS.

This has led me to the conclusion that  Golfers and Grandparents are both liars.

The Golfers are always telling you how much they love the game. Any fool who plays the game knows that deep down he hates every moment of it. He just can't say it.

Ask Grandparents (especially if they are both standing together) how great it is being a Grandparent and you have to take an insulin shot to neutralize the blast of sugar coated blather that follows. "The best, great, fabulous, .what life is all about…love it" etc etc and "oh, have you seen the latest pictures?

Now I have finally figured it out.  There are clearly two classes of Grandparents!

First are those, whose kids live in the family city. They get short, sharp blasts of exposure a couple of times a week and the occasional baby-sitting assignment. These grinning fools are not talking about the same phenomenon that I just experienced. They are amateurs in the Grandparenting category. In complete control of access, duration and purpose of the visit as well as the ability to escape at a moments notice, these people are not qualified to describe the true nature of a remote family get together.

Their comments should be greeted with a quick change of subject and if they won't shut up you should feign an illness (coughing up blood works) and move on. If you don't have Grandchildren yet you could be sucked in pretty good.

The real test of Grandparenting is to spend one week (7 full 24 hour days) visiting a one year old and a 3-½ year old in your daughter's home!

This is in the same category as a third tour in Iraq.

My Grandson, (cute little devil) is one year old. I quickly found out that if you hand me a one-year-old child who is built like a fireplug and weighs 25 pounds, you have about 90 seconds before I will want to hand the child back. I came to accept this  ritual which is repeated 30 or 40 times a day at random intervals followed by a mandatory exclamation "isn't he cute?"

Now you have to realize that  the little goober can't talk, walk, play or last more than an hour without a two-hour nap. This makes for many extremely short, pleasurable experiences to be sure. Since they are not programmed however  you have to be ready at any moment to jump in. This creates a lot of pressure to be "up" and tends to make the day drag on a touch.

 Women are programmed quite differently. If  you hand a Grandmother this child, two days will elapse before she will release those sticky little hands from her neck and sit down.

Many of my friends say, "Just wait until they can talk". "Oh boy, what fun".

My Granddaughter who is 3 ½ says three things to me. "Go Away!" "Where is Grandma?" And "No, I want Mommy to do it". This also makes for a long, long day and if rejection makes you insecure this is no place for you.

Living in your Daughter's (or Son's) house creates a power shift that sneaks up on you as you realize that you are not in charge of anything. And, apparently you have become a complete Bozo without even realizing that it was happening. The house rules begin with, no TV (too many violent images), no radio, no music, no noise, no talking too loud, no swearing and a list of taboo subjects. Sentences that begin with "I think you should…" are not welcome.  I can tell you this greatly reduces the time filling options one is used too.

Some of the effects of our visit are more striking than others. The next time you see me you will have to talk loudly. My hearing was permanently damaged during the gift opening ceremony at 6.00 am XMAS morning. Also you will want to listen closely to what I am trying to say. I am only now able to speak a complete sentence. I can colour inside the lines, but only am allowed to do it alone.

So there it is. Seven days of shuttle diplomacy back and forth to the hotel. The only breaks were for afternoon naps (theirs) and shopping (Sally's). You will be pleased to know that Sally personally tried on or touched every piece of merchandise offered for sale on Rodeo Drive. Our suitcases that were carry-on (bright idea of mine to allow us to get out of the aiport quickly) were so heavy and tightly packed we had to saw them open in the garage when we arrived home.

I am typing this with a blanket over my head and using a flashlight at 4.00am. You see, one of the responsibilities of being a Grandparent is to not let any future Grandparent on to what they have in store for the future. If this ever got out the social order would be disrupted in possibly a violent way. Also, it seems that Grandmothers are built for this and we are not. Implying that you are not having a blast could result in physical abuse. So this is a subject we men must never discuss.

I have been told that as the kids get older it gets to be a lot more fun. I believe this to be true and have booked my next visit for December 2012. I expect to fly out in the morning, exchange gifts at the airport while the plane is refueling and come home by 8 pm. It's the plan!  See you soon.

Bill Meder