All done Lessons Learned

Dear Jim: all done…lessons learned

HI thought I would share some safety tips from my experience over the past 4 weeks.

Every day when you arrive at the hospital you are interviewed at the front door for Covid symptoms

“Do you have a fever, headache, sore throat, cough, runny nose, muscle ache, diarrhea, shortness of breath and sneezing?”

The correct answer is “Nope, I’m perfect!!”

” Well OK then, come on in!

The REAL answer is “Of course, you Moron, I have all of those symptoms, caused by the so-called medical treatment plan I’m following.  And, by the way they, are getting worse everyday.

Don’t say that or you will spend the day being studied …so Safety tip number one is to lie at all times.

And of course, do not cough or sneeze walking down the hall. They have monitors ( I think some of them may be armed) looking for any sign of  a Covid symptom.) You don’t want to get anyone pushing you in to the suspect queue.

You need to study Hospital gowns before you start and learn how to tie a bow with  the ties in the  back flaps.

Turns out that a bare- naked view of an old persons’ rear- end walking down the hall  is not nearly as sexy as you might like to think. I find the young female technicians particularly critical.

You will need to build up your glute's before you start. The ability to clench your butt cheeks in milliseconds is a vital and really necessary skill .

This will protect your sneeze and cough control and if someone makes a sudden move around you.

 If you don’t develop this skill you may get  a graphic  demonstration of where the term “Shit Storm” came from. Just saying....

And by the way speaking of the D word (Diarrhea) don’t ever, ever, EVER take a   sleeping pill when you are in this condition.

They tell you not to lose weight. Eat 6 small meals a day. I missed the "small" part and I'm up 5 lbs. So read the instructions carefully. 

Finally, you should expect to behave strangely for no reason.

Example: Stepping into the shower with your slippers on, or dropping off a treat at your best friend of 25 years house and then leaving it at the neighbour’s front door by mistake. I could go on but you get the idea.

No explanation for this. Just happens

.

 But now I wait 2-4 months to see what the result is. The doctors at the MUHC are great and the experience has  been extremely well organized and executed. If I wasn't such a baby I would be telling you not to worry if this should happen to you.

 So, come around September-October start checking the obits in case I’m not able to communicate with you.

No don't worry, I have a very positive attitude and am doing my  homework. Example FYI the guard rails on the new Champlain Bridge are very very high. 

Will try to keep you posted if I survive the recovery over the next 2- 3 weeks. 

Then, everyone is telling me, Yippie,you will be able to play golf.!!  Oh boy what a reward. Just shoot me now!

Regards

Bill Meder

billmeder.blogspot.com

 

Regards,

Bill 

(514) 992-2916

An Update



Dear Jim:

How am I you ask? Is this a trick question?

As you no doubt know or are one of the few people on the planet that Sally hasn’t blabbed  too I am dealing with a slight imperfection in my previously perfect body parts inventory. It seems my parents didn’t take out the extended warranty when they had the chance and here I am past my “best before date” with no safety net.

And get this. My problem is caused by smoking which I quit doing 56 years ago!!

Not possible you say. They promised that if I stopped, I would live a long and healthy life.

 They lied!

And to think I bought that BS and gave up  really fun stuff . Like  drinking, French fries and then exercising like a fiend. What a betrayal.

Correcting this imperfection involves extreme torture techniques that ISIS could have used to control the Caliphate if they had known.  

Chemo and Radiation are common terms and like you, when I encountered someone doing them, I would always say. “don’t worry, it is going to be OK, stay strong, chin up, you can do, it rah rah rah. And what else is new?

In the Medical community I am a known coward, anxiety driven, weak, and generally a snivelling baby when anything happens to me. 

I use Dr. Google to inform me of the worst possible outcomes and spend my time worrying about my Eulogy and who is going to remember to cancel the Economist subscription for a refund.

And for additional nail biting, it turns out the Chemo is meant to kill your immune system..great timing..they told me if I get Covid don't come to the hospital. Go straight to the Crematorium and take a number. 

With Covid stay at home rules I have put on a few pounds and my big worry is that the marks the radiologist put on my body to line up the machine have shifted a couple of inches. Now when they line up the machine, I know they are zapping things that shouldn’t be zapped. I explained this to them last week and reminded them that some of my favourite parts are in the range and if they cause anything to fall off, I’m suing. They thought I was kidding but I’m keeping a close watch on side effects. I have 6 more sessions out of 20 planned, ending Tuesday May 19.

My last Chemo is tomorrow, and the nurse reminded me last week while I was cringing and complaining about headaches, nausea, etc. etc. that my dosage was one twentieth of the 86-year-old lady sitting across from me loading in bag after bag of poison.

 Why do women never complain? In fact, I have never heard anyone complain about these treatments and I can’t stop. Go figure!

They will be glad to see me gone.

So, what is the prognosis you ask. Well the Doctor said we would know if it worked within a couple of months and if it didn’t…… I replied that I hoped the gun stores would be open by then.

I have three Doctors on the case, and I think they may have had enough of me. They just don’t get my sense of humour when I say I’m coming after them if this doesn’t produce results.

At any rate I will keep you posted. If you don’t hear from me, ask around.

Bill Meder

A quick update

Dear Jim: A quick update

When I wrote you last week about my busy schedule, I had no idea that everyone I know is in the same boat. I have never had such a response. Some even suggested that they were busier than me!! Not to be outdone I have added a couple of minor items that pale into insignificance in the overall scheme of things but on their own are important.

Seems when I get up quickly, I get dizzy and almost faint. The cure according to my dizziness specialist. Get up slowly!

Well Ok then. If the fire alarm goes off while we are sleeping, my wife will have a two-minute head start to escape the flames while I am slowly but surely rising to avoid any light headiness. I sure hate to give up that advantage.

I forgot to mention that each of my specialty dramas obviously involves intensive internet work. I now log four or five hours a day on the deep web and have joined many hospital programs in the USA online.

I like to arrive at an appointment understanding all the symptoms and have a plan to recommend to the doctor going forward.

 I usually come armed with graphs, detail charts of daily behaviour and a list of possible causes, side effects and case studies.

In this way I can save a lot of time by telling him everything he should know before he has to bother talking to me.

When I tell him what we are going to do as a next step he knows he isn’t dealing with a kook and we can debate the cause and effect of certain behaviours and remedies like two colleagues. All he has to do is write out the prescriptions that I recommend and off I go.

Because of the number of specialists, I am now dealing with I have become quite an expert in several fields.

I am actually considering writing the exams for my medical licence in January. I really think I could pass on the first try.

 I haven’t decided yet on my field of practice but I’m leaning towards becoming an internist.

Since everything that is screwed up is out of sight, if you mess up you can just blame a different specialist who obviously missed the obvious.

I was thinking also of Plastic Surgery, but my hands shake for no apparent reason from time to time and that may cause my insurance premiums to be outrageously high.  Also, I don’t like blood.

At any rate I am currently the worlds foremost authority on most major and many minor diseases and afflictions with new skills being developed on a monthly basis. My biggest problem now is answering “How are you doing” in a reasonable amount of time. I also consult on an unwanted and unofficial basis with anyone who mentions some trivial medical condition.

I also know the parking rules in several major hospitals and clinics, private and public in the greater Montreal area. These are not skills that are normally appreciated but believe me this information is pure gold. All the machines are different, and the pay stations are hidden in the strangest places.

Just to be clear. I look like I’m in perfect condition and I am not surprised when people applaud when I enter a room.

 All these parts that are failing or about to fail are just a result of not getting that extended warranty when I had a chance. No one can see the carnage and I’m going to fake it as long as possible. Really, I’m fine.

I told my friends last week that I hope I die before this stuff kills me. They found that amusing, but it makes a lot of sense… no?

Will keep you posted.

Bill Meder

billmeder.blogspot.com

Don't worry about keeping busy when you retire.

Dear Jim: Don’t worry about being busy as you get older!!

People are often saying “what will I do when I’m not working, retired etc.

Well if you haven’t gotten there yet, fear not. You will be busy beyond description,

The first step is to make sure you have a  GP doctor. Think of him as an orchestra leader and all the instruments are the countless specialists scattered around the city.

First up is the blood test. This is generally all your GP does for you. Early on everything will be in range and you will feel proud of the fact you aren’t taking pills like those other unhealthy friends of yours.

One day however, some reading will have gotten lower or higher and the GP will begin the never-ending process that will solve your problem of how to fill a day.

With requisition in hand and picking from an outdated list of specialists within a 100-mile radius you will have to fax it to somewhere to begin the process of getting that first appointment. Now the only people using Fax in this day and age are doctors and hospital workers. So, a trip to Bureau en Gros to send your Fax will take a couple of hours right there.

After the fax is sent you can wait for a few weeks, checking your answer machine wondering when you will hear. Nothing?  Next step is to call the specialist.

Now they have been trained not to answer the phone but you won’t know this right away so this will take another couple of days. Finally, you will get into your car and drive to the specialist’s office to ask what is what.

“Fax? Nope, never got a Fax from you. When did you send it? Well we don’t have it.”

So, now you have added a few weeks to the process, but you have hand delivered your requisition. They will get back to you shortly with an appointment. Right.

So, now you have your appointment and you show up on time. The waiting room is full even though you booked the earliest appointment on the one day of the week the doctor sees patients. This is sport for the receptionist who will tell you 45 minutes after your scheduled appointment that the Doc isn’t in yet, had an emergency, went for a haircut or whatever. So, you get to burn a complete morning. Not bad.

Now the specialist can’t do anything right away. He will shake your hand and you will tell your friends you have the top man in his field. (I haven’t found anyone who says “ I didn’t get the top guy but I think he is in the top 10) He has a whole bunch of his own tests that he likes you to do and he gives you the referrals for all of them. This is great, because now you are on a program with things to do every day between booking, taking and then waiting for test results

Now the specialist needs to see you again to ..oo and ah… over the results. More tests are possible with the really good Docs, so you get to repeat the steps above. Eventually you have a program and usually some new pills. Some will make things go down and others will make them go up. The fun is now you have something to anticipate as you wait for the next round.

Back to your GP for monitoring and sure enough it won’t be long before a new anomaly will show up and you can begin the entire process as above.

This is great because there is no end to this procedure.

And finally, your big task will be sorting all the pills that look the same to make sure you are not missing the morning or evening doses. You should buy new glasses for this exercise to be precise because the shapes, colours and sizes are scientifically calibrated to make this a skill equivalent to doing crossword puzzles to keep your brain sharp. (If you happen to spill the pill box, forget it. Throw them all out and start over)

So, there you have it. You will be busy all the time. Nothing will be permanently fixed, just controlled for a while, downhill all the way but you won’t wonder what to do with yourself. If for any reason of great genes or lifestyle you are late in starting this process you can accompany your partner to all the meetings described here and it will be a nice bonding exercise for you both.

Oh, and by the way if you have any major parts that need replacement you can burn up months at a time and have great stories to tell when people ask, “how are you?” (and in case you are naïve … nobody cares!

Finally, if you are looking for some fill ins. Getting a tooth implant can burn up an entire year. So, keep that in your hip pocket if you get bored.

Sincerely

Billmeder.blogspot.com