A quick update

Dear Jim: A quick update

When I wrote you last week about my busy schedule, I had no idea that everyone I know is in the same boat. I have never had such a response. Some even suggested that they were busier than me!! Not to be outdone I have added a couple of minor items that pale into insignificance in the overall scheme of things but on their own are important.

Seems when I get up quickly, I get dizzy and almost faint. The cure according to my dizziness specialist. Get up slowly!

Well Ok then. If the fire alarm goes off while we are sleeping, my wife will have a two-minute head start to escape the flames while I am slowly but surely rising to avoid any light headiness. I sure hate to give up that advantage.

I forgot to mention that each of my specialty dramas obviously involves intensive internet work. I now log four or five hours a day on the deep web and have joined many hospital programs in the USA online.

I like to arrive at an appointment understanding all the symptoms and have a plan to recommend to the doctor going forward.

 I usually come armed with graphs, detail charts of daily behaviour and a list of possible causes, side effects and case studies.

In this way I can save a lot of time by telling him everything he should know before he has to bother talking to me.

When I tell him what we are going to do as a next step he knows he isn’t dealing with a kook and we can debate the cause and effect of certain behaviours and remedies like two colleagues. All he has to do is write out the prescriptions that I recommend and off I go.

Because of the number of specialists, I am now dealing with I have become quite an expert in several fields.

I am actually considering writing the exams for my medical licence in January. I really think I could pass on the first try.

 I haven’t decided yet on my field of practice but I’m leaning towards becoming an internist.

Since everything that is screwed up is out of sight, if you mess up you can just blame a different specialist who obviously missed the obvious.

I was thinking also of Plastic Surgery, but my hands shake for no apparent reason from time to time and that may cause my insurance premiums to be outrageously high.  Also, I don’t like blood.

At any rate I am currently the worlds foremost authority on most major and many minor diseases and afflictions with new skills being developed on a monthly basis. My biggest problem now is answering “How are you doing” in a reasonable amount of time. I also consult on an unwanted and unofficial basis with anyone who mentions some trivial medical condition.

I also know the parking rules in several major hospitals and clinics, private and public in the greater Montreal area. These are not skills that are normally appreciated but believe me this information is pure gold. All the machines are different, and the pay stations are hidden in the strangest places.

Just to be clear. I look like I’m in perfect condition and I am not surprised when people applaud when I enter a room.

 All these parts that are failing or about to fail are just a result of not getting that extended warranty when I had a chance. No one can see the carnage and I’m going to fake it as long as possible. Really, I’m fine.

I told my friends last week that I hope I die before this stuff kills me. They found that amusing, but it makes a lot of sense… no?

Will keep you posted.

Bill Meder

billmeder.blogspot.com