Dear Jim:
Here is the talk I recently gave at my golf club.
Back in early February, our captain called me to see if I would speak at this dinner. “What could I possibly have to say?” I said, in a desperate scramble to get off the phone. “Why not talk about your love of Golf was the immediate suggestion? Hmm… I hadn’t really thought about love and Golf in the same sentence before.
What have speakers done before me? He said that the previous speakers were all smart guys who skipped several grades in school and spoke without notes for 25 minutes and were hilarious.
I wondered if David would be impressed that the only reason I finally got promoted out of grade 6 was because I had gotten too big for the little desks and I had spent 3 years in Grade 10.
Now, it seems to me that everything funny that could be said about golf has already been said a gazillion times.
So I decided that I could probably say a few words in a respectful and thoughtful way that paid tribute to all of you and your love of this great game.
OK, how hard could this be I thought?
Sitting with a blank piece of paper in front of me I started out recording the things I like best about Golf.
I like buying golf clothes and I like getting my locker ready in the springtime.
First thing in the morning I really like driving at high speed down Ridge road , blowing past the stop sign at the pool.
I like getting on my shoes and fiddling with sun tan cream, hats, gloves and all that stuff.
I enjoy walking in to the pro shop for a little banter with the team and taking a couple of hundred tees out of Bob’s secret drawer.
I like saying hello to everyone around the putting green and hitting a few warm up shots.
Checking in with the starter and finding out who is responsible for the flag flying at half-mast this week is also part of the ritual.
When I come in from walking 18 holes, I think, taking off your golf shoes is one of the great pleasures of life.
A few peanuts, chit chats in the 19th hole and off to the showers and fresh as a daisy drive home for a summer dinner on the deck. What a Great Life! Golf is wonderful.
Reviewing my notes I noticed something missing and then it dawned on me.
I love everything about Golf except the game itself.
Now there is clearly something wrong with me since I know that all of you are absolutely crazy about the game and everything that goes with it.
It is frightening to think that I hate Golf. My wife tells me that I am going to spend the rest of my life having it as my only activity!
After some deep reflection the only explanation I can come up with is that I’m kind of a logical guy and I like things that are easy to understand. With Golf many many things just make no sense.
I’m talking about questions like these:
How is it possible that after 35 years of golf I still have the same handicap I started with? Name one other sport where you can not get better no matter how much you practice, how many lessons you take, how much you improve your fitness, and invest thousands in yearly upgrades to technology. It makes no sense.
People who go to Florida Montreal
How is that in any other activity in life, lessons build on each other and you develop a deep understanding of whatever you are trying to do? A golf lesson has a shelf life of about 48 hours before every last shred of new knowledge has completely dissipated. What part of the brain is so screwed up that it handles this particular activity in such an inefficient manner?
I recently completed a one week total immersion golf school in Florida
Is there any other sport where the harder you try to hit the ball the shorter the distance it travels?
Why does the way you hit the ball on the practice range before you play bear no relationship to the way you hit the ball in the game? It doesn’t make sense.
The ball NEVER goes where you want it to go and ALWAYS goes where you don’t want it to go. This is ridiculous.
Wouldn’t the law of averages say that a ball that bounces near the green would occasionally go on to the green? Never! How is that possible?
Why does it stop raining as soon as you put on all your rain gear? Always!
How do the slowest players at the club always get the starting time just before yours? Do they do it deliberately? They must. There is no other explanation.
Why do people shout, “ I never do that” when they just did it? I don’t get it.
I love golf tournaments. How is it possible that your partner always shoots at least 10 shots over his handicap and the team you are playing against has the game of their lives?
Why is it that when you play a bad game you feel terrible for several days but when you play a good game you only feel good for two hours?
How is it that some men can take their wives out for an afternoon golf game and claim to enjoy it? What could possibly cause so many good people to lie like that?
I can tell you that if there is a lot of this in my future I will be wearing a “do not revive” bracelet and praying that I get hit by lightening.
If that doesn’t work I suspect firearms will play a significant role in my future.
I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. Goggle “faking your own death” and you will see that all the ads that pop up are related to couples’ golf!
How can so many grown men with above average IQ’s, hit a golf ball and then start shouting instructions at it? Don’t they realize they are talking to a ball for goodness sakes?
How is that people who are stone deaf in the 19th hole where you have to repeat every sentence three times before they can hear what you are saying, be standing over their ball 50 yards away and be bothered by your whisper to another player?
These same people are bothered by every little thing. “ Did you hear that noise in the woods? Was it a duck? What’s that smell?
Isn’t it obvious that you, “ hit it fat, hit it thin, hit it in the water, topped it, sliced it, pushed the putt, pulled the putt or whatever?” Why does everyone find it necessary to announce to the group what they just did? We saw you for god’s sake! And further more we don’t care!
And if all that wasn’t enough, there are mean people associated with every aspect of the game. For example, think of the guy building the course. He puts in several acres of sand in a fairway bunker and just as he is leaving he thinks…hmmm I think what this trap needs is a 12 inch lip right here.
Why is it that every day one category of your equipment, but never more than one, is working beautifully, Your irons, your woods, your putter, are like complete strangers from different cultures. Wouldn’t you think that from time to time they would all respond to the same tempo, swing, weather etc and work the same?
Do you notice that you personalize your equipment? As I’ve gotten older, my driver, for example, reminds me of my penis. I don’t take it out much any more and when I do get my hands on it…I don’t know..it just doesn’t’ feel the way it used too. I do have fond memories however of when it was my favorite and often think of how much I enjoyed using it.
And don’t even think of using Viagra if that’s what you’re thinking. Viagra lasts a long time in your system. One thing that will throw off your game every time is the arrival of an unexpected boner!
How ridiculous is the custom equipment craze? First they had radar equipment to test your woods with launch angles and such. Then shaft analysis required you to get new irons. This year it seems that your ball spin needs to be studied so that you get the right spin ratios.
I’m really looking forward to calling the pro shop and asking to have my balls fitted.
Oh yes. You have to be careful what you say when you are discussing golf. When I came in tonight I said to our grounds keeper that we wouldn’t be able to play because it was freezing cold and there was still snow on the course. He replied,” don’t worry, we will be able to play anyway” I said “will we have to paint our balls black?” “ Oh no” he said, “that won’t be necessary, just wear an extra pair of shorts and you will be fine.”
Even on the golf course every word has to be well thought out. When you say to your best friend’s wife “ Bend over, keep your head down and spread your legs a little further apart, loosen your grip a bit and now just slide it gently in to the hole” you had better be sure he knows you are just trying to be helpful.
People who don’t play golf hear all of this and think you need prompt medical attention.
Of Course, an obvious benefit is that If you are one of those people who really, really, really like this game, when you become Senile no one will know.
Someone said that Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the life of some of our most useless citizens.
At any rate, isn’t it possible that Golf is God’s idea of a practical joke?
As I continued to write down my thoughts I couldn’t help but think that I was missing something. All of you can’t be wrong. As I analyzed the excitement I feel about the upcoming season I realized that I can’t think of anything I would rather be doing!
Bill Meder
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