Dear Jim: A depressing report.

 

Normally I don’t give an early season report on Golf but since I will probably be quitting soon, I thought I should get this off to you now.

Now in the off chance that you and your buddies wherever you hang out up there are screwing with my game for giggles you need to back off…NOW.

 

My swing is gone. I am so embarrassed I had to drop out of a great Wednesday afternoon group since I didn’t want the pity that I knew they would feel if I joined them.

 

I have had a lesson. The instructor said I could have a follow-up, but he would have to wear a mask. I told him Covid on the golf course is a non-issue.

 

“Oh, I don’t mean a medical mask I meant a hood with eye holes so no one would know who was teaching you.”

This wasn’t funny but he was serious. Apparently, the pro shop has my picture in the back office with a “do not engage” warning on it.

 

I spent a few hours on Youtube Monday morning on getting out of sand traps.

Six different instructors with six totally different approaches on every aspect.

All of them worked…. for them. Easy Peasy.

 

So off I went this morning and planted myself and 50 balls in the practice trap.

 

First drill was to hit only the sand with no ball in front of you. After a few minutes of this I had so much sand in my shoes and hair that I couldn’t see straight.

 

Moving on to hitting with a balI, I used all the tips the Youtube bozos showed me.

 When I finally got one ball on the green, I was sweating so hard that I thought I would faint from dehydration.

The balls that I skulled 50 yards are gone forever and the one’s I hit 18 inches are probably not reusable. Sorry.

 

This is a work in progress.

 

I have decided to remove my driver from the bag. It goes the same distance as my 8 iron so why carry two clubs that give you the same distance?

 

My slightly over the top swing is now a serious of two or three separate and uncoordinated pieces (not sure because I can’t see or feel what I’m doing).

 

The bad news is that I’m losing balls so often that I’m having trouble keeping the bag stocked enough for a complete round.

The reason for the lost balls is that none of the people I’m playing with will watch my shot for fear they will become infected with whatever virus is in my brain.

I often turn and say, “did anyone see where that went”. The answer is always “we will drive down the left side of the fairway and you go down the right. We have no idea where it went.”

 

So, you get the idea. Now on Saturday I’m playing in a tournament where 8 randomly chosen members team up and play as a team. Sounds like a 3-ring circus, right?

 

Well, all I know for sure is that after that game there will be 7 more people that I can’t look in the eye at Royal Montreal.

 

There will have to be some ground rules.

No swearing…..at me!

No laughing, no picture taking, no talking with comments like “don’t worry Bill it will come back.”

Coming from strangers this is not helpful. I assume we are paired male/female with someone I probably don’t know.  So, the humiliation will be complete. Don’t ask me why we are doing this, but I was told it wasn’t optional.

 

Next week could be my last week of golf, not for the season, forever!

 

I will keep you posted.

 

 

 

Bill Meder

 Dear Jim: Ok ,back in the groove

 

It has almost been a year since you died and so far no contact with you from wherever you told me you were going. As a result I have not bothered to write a Dear Jim letter but demand has been increasing so pay attention.

 

People always ask you how your winter was: Well here’s the story,.

During the winter every friend, acquaintance and some  people we don’t particularly care for, go  South for the season. That leaves Sally and I alone with almost nobody to play with.

 

To escape in January , we went to Barbados for a couple of weeks on the Beach.

Once again all alone, just the two of us , no one else , just 56 years of marriage. Together, every moment, 42 meals staring in to each others eyes. Got the picture?

Now I am fully trained but there are very few fine points that need tuning every now and then. After the first week these items are cleared away and our conversation from there is fairly short.

“Hurry up, what are you doing, I’m going for a walk on the beach, I need a drink, Oh for Christ’s sakes relax,  etc etc. “

By the 12^th day I’m calling Air Canada to see how much it would cost to change our ticket home.

Day 14 can’t come soon enough and we are at the airport 4 hours before departure to make sure nothing will stop us from making that flight. So that is January.

 

During February I spend most of my free time trying to decide where to go in February. This is an impossible task and before you know it, March has arrived. Now it is March Break and going somewhere makes no sense which brings us to April. Well Ok Then, snow gone, golf club starting to look inviting, days lengthening and decision is made to go to Florida Next year and le voila winter’s over and golf season looms large.

 

So today was opening day at the golf club and I didn’t make any effort to register. I did however go out to the club, changed into my golf clothes, shoes and all and walked around the 19^th hole pretending that I was there to play. Talked to a lot of nice people and everyone told me to play well. If I had had to play 18 holes I would have needed an ambulance to take me home.

 

I haven’t hit a ball for months so I went out to hit a couple…and I mean a couple.

My first swing, had I made it during the event, might have  caused pieces of my body to break off and would have been very embarrassing.

I realized I have to change my warm up this year.

For example I will not be able to practice with my Driver this year  because every time I bent down to tee up another ball it was 15-20 seconds before my dizzy spell subsided.

I think passing out on the range might elicit gossip about me that I would be uncomfortable dealing with so the Driver stays in the bag.

Hard to believe you can get a blister on your right hand by only hitting 20.. 8 irons.

Could be my grip which has gotten quite tight as I fight off a wonderful Shank that appears out of nowhere every second shot.

 You get the picture. I am ready to roll for 2023 and will keep you up to date as I continue to improve. Golf is my Life.

 

Regards,

Bill 

And another thing

 Dear Jim:

 

Well let me try again. Perhaps your sister (the NUN..true) can get this letter to you with her connections.

 

In answer to my health and general well-being I can report that my deterioration is progressing at an aggressive pace.

 

 My doctor informs me that the extra 10 years of life that I should expect from not smoking, no drinking, lots of exercise, 10 hours nightly sleep and weight control are over.

Congratulations!

 And I’m now on the same life expectancy schedule as the Overweight, heavy smoking, big drinking insomniacs.

 

I find I need to change a few of my habits.

 

 For example, I used to put on my socks standing on one foot and deftly pullng on a sock with both hands.

Lately, I find I tend to lose my balance and careen across the room either falling outright or ploughing into a dresser or whatever.

Now if this continues, I could face serious injury or death.

Imagine an OBIT that says ..” Bill Meder died this morning of blunt force trauma while putting on his socks.”

 Humiliating right?

 

I am having problems with my memory. Not losing it. Just the opposite. Digital quality recall of everything back to 4 years old. This is a painful and depressing  problem.

 

I remember clearly playing squash every day and sometimes twice for 45 minutes each game. I tried to warm up in a court a while ago and after the warmup I went straight home for a snooze.

 

I remember riding my bike for one hour after work around the end of the island. Seldom missed a day. I just sold my bike because I kept falling off sideways when my feet got stuck in the pedals. Ouch.

 

I remember when I could carry my golf bag for 18 holes. Now I need help lifting the bag on to the cart.

 

I remember loving to ski for hours even when it was minus 25F. I can’t go skiing anymore because I’m afraid of getting my nose cold.

 

I remember quite fondly the frosty martini glass with the twist of lemon moving across the room towards me. Now it’s “will that be flat or sparkling”. Terrible, no?

 

I remember hitting from the white tees, looking longingly at the blues.

Now I hit from the red tees looking longingly at the Ladies yellow tees. Brutal.

 

I used to drive at high speed, steering with my knee while I typed a lengthy text.

I now drive very slow with both hands tightly gripping the wheel praying that I won’t blow by a stop sign or red light and kill myself or someone else.

I will probably stop driving either by losing my licence or death. It’s 50/50

 

I could go on, but you get it.

 

Running, jumping, bobbing, weaving, twisting, twirling, leaping, agile, fast, quick, alert, motor skills etc. etc. can nevermore be used in a sentence that begins with Bill. Depressing right?

 

Now I’m not complaining. Just reporting. In the future I will write to you about all the things I’m still good at if anything comes to mind.

Dear Jim: Rules of Engagement

 Dear Jim: Rules of Engagement



After much reflection I think we should establish the protocol  for our regular games. I detect some angst around the subjects of conversation before, during and after the game. 

I propose the following for consideration. 

No mention of the stock market, individual stocks, ups and downs. 

Included is the  failure to recognize the worries of those less fortunate who may be experiencing large losses, or extreme happiness at a bluebird that arrives during the game via Yahoo or reflection on some position that has turned out well. No checking of market performance during the game. 

If someone is "on" and hitting great shot after great shot it isn't necessary to say "great shot "after every hit for 18 holes.

 A maximum of 3 "great shots" per player per round is sufficient. Same for "nice putt".

Gossip is only permitted if all three of us know the target and don't like them. This is best used before or after the game but in case we are backed up it can be used to pass the time between holes.

It is clear no one cares about the other person's game. This includes the current game and/or  any reminiscence of previous games. 

Also, it isn't necessary to say " I topped it, I sculled it, I didn't get under it, I sliced it, I hooked it, oh boy etc etc etc. 

We all saw the shot and no description of the boo boo is necessary. 

If we agree to speak only when spoken too,the silence could be offputting. 

I reserve the right to speak when I feel like it and by not responding in anyway this will be the signal to be quiet. I will do my best.

Hitting out of turn will be be frowned upon unless the person who is away is needlessly fucking around with his bag, club selection or just taking too long in the loo.

It is acknowledged that driving ahead of the person hitting next, although annoying, is a mental issue that may require treatment. We will see how this progresses through the season. 

Restaurants,  dining experience, trips, past or upcoming, weather, wind, cart performance or personal compliments are all fair conversation at any time. 

I hope this clarification will improve our wonderful experience every tuesday and thursday. Any additions or deletions are accepted of course in the spirit of unity. 

See you all on tuesday

 

 

Dear Jim: As the days dwindle down the time machine is speeding up

 

Dear Jim:

Someone has put a speed chip into the time machine.

I just woke up to realize that it is going to be August 1 any minute now. How did that happen?

During the winter every day seemed like a week, and we could hardly wait for summer. Along comes June…cold, rainy and there goes July, hot hot. In the blink of an eye.

 

You do know that the leaves start to change in three weeks! I know, I know Sept and Oct can be great but at the speed we are going it will be November in a minute and it all starts again.

 

I have started to realize that this faster cycle is causing non fixable changes to my quality of life.

 

I am now going to go for a year-to-year car rental. How can I buy a car that may last seven or so years?

 I have passengers who don’t think I should be driving now. What are the odds that I should be driving six or seven years from now?

It wasn't long ago that I would have breakfast meetings  at the Ritz at 7am followed by a second one at 8. I now have trouble making an 8 am zoom call from home usually with my face blurred to hide my, deer caught in the headlights, look I sport at that time of day.

 

I used to go to bed at 11 pm and up and at’em at 7 am or earlier. No more.

In the winter it is pitch black out at 4 pm so I don’t feel guilty going up to bed at 8 pm..lights out at 9. In the summer I feel guilty doing that so we put in black out blinds so we can pretend it is late while the whole neighbourhood is walking up and down the road long after we are gone to the world.

 

I used to do fifty things a day.

Now, by noon the most I can say is I went to the bank or went and bought a take- out dinner.

Don’t know why it took me all morning. No rational explanation so don’t ask what is taking so long.

 

I would get out of bed at 7 am to take an 8 am flight to Toronto.  Now I have to get up at 5.30 am to make a 9.30 tee time at the golf club. No explanation makes sense.

 

I used to walk up and down the stairs with a coffee cup in one hand and my iPad in the other. I noticed the other day that I now grab the banister with both hands going up or down. Didn’t even see it coming.

 

When I was drinking it was normal to be   a little bit unsteady at the end of the night.

Now I wobble every time I get up after sitting for 15 minutes. And when did the dizziness start when I make a fast move. Don’t know. Just began….

 

My hearing may be getting weaker. I have always been good at ignoring instructions but now I don’t seem to catch all the tidbits that I’m interested in hearing. I nod as if I got it…getting good at faking it.

I have closed captions on all my TV shows and love reading the Netflix movies when we watch TV. The sound is so high that we haven’t had any wildlife within 300 yards of the house this year.

People close to me seem to be shouting most of the time or this just my imagination?

 

I didn’t swim when the pool was heated to 70 degrees F and now, I don’t swim when it is set at 90 degrees.

 

You get the picture; nothing is the same and certainly not going to get any better. The slow downhill slide seems to have picked up speed. This isn’t going to end well….

 

 

Bill Meder

Dear Jim: Ok, I got the message

 Dear Jim: 

 

I know I told you to send me a sign when you arrived to wherever you are. I didn’t mean you had to get into my golf swing and start messing with it as a sign that you were connected with me.

 

I have never hit a shank in golf in my life and yesterday I didn’t hit anything else for an hour.

I tried everything and couldn’t fix it until finally I said to myself...” It’s Jim” just letting me know!

 

I went out today and sure enough everything was back to normal.

 

 Ok then, I confirm we are now connected…no more signs S.V.P

 

And by the way it was a nice touch making me “co-executor” of your estate, instead of “one of” the executors. This way I get to sign every document, approve every action, and learn first-hand the probate procedures in Ontario, Nova Scotia and Florida combined with my now useless knowledge of Quebec rules and procedures.

You did know you live in a different province than me…right?

 

Who knew I would be getting to meet a whole raft of new legal friends and banking acquaintances with “yes, but” following every question or suggestion I make?

 I had wondered what I was going to do in my spare time this year and you single handidly solved that problem for me with the little “Co” addition to your will. Nice touch…I’ll bet you did that on purpose. That’s what friends are for.

 

It was also a nice addition to see that you had ignored all my suggestions earlier this year about winding up your company and selling your vacation home in Antigonish. This allows me to dig deep into the tax consequences in three provinces and two countries. Hells bells, I am going to be an expert before this is done and can probably get consulting gigs.

 

And finally, when I asked you to get rid of all those joint accounts it must have been after you lost your hearing, and now I get to watch your money grow all over the banking system for the many months I will spend getting those accounts closed.

 

I have always said you were a special friend and you have come through with an exclamation point! For certain I'm not going to forget you any time soon.

 

Enjoy yourself, you have a front row seat.

 

 

Bill Meder

 Dear Jim: Watch out for this.

Dear Jim:

 

Well for some unknown reason (perhaps a complaint from some neighbourhood-watch do- gooder) the government has asked me to get my Optometrist and Doctor to verify that I am able to drive safely.

The Optometrist was no problem although he didn’t ask about eye-hand coordination where I don’t even register on whatever scale you might want to choose. His bad! Passed with colours.

 

The doctor was another story.

 

He had a 4-page questionnaire that had to be filled out in detail.

 

When he called me to do the form, I was driving 120 km/hr on the highway with noisy slush splashing all over the place.  I also had my cell phone in my hand so I could hear everything.

 

As a result, his first question “how is your hearing” was impossible to hear.

 “I said I beg your pardon. “He laughed thinking I had made a joke. At that point I still didn’t know the question, so I just said “perfect”. “Good” he says.

 

Next, he asked if I ever get dizzy. Are you kidding, dizzy is my middle name. What a question. I said, “when I get up quickly, I feel dizzy.” Oh, he says what are you doing about that.

“I don’t get up quickly and try and stay on my feet all day”. Seemed happy with that.

 

Do you ever feel like going to sleep while you are driving?

Oh boy. I said “not often but I have a safety trick. after 2 pm I drive with my left elbow on my left knee and my hand on the wheel. When I fall asleep my arm drops and I wake up.” He wasn’t as impressed with my response as I thought he should be.

 

“Do you find yourself going through stop signs?”.

Now I don’t want to lie. I have been going through stop signs all my life. For goodness sakes there is one at every intersection on the planet. I have treated  a stop sign as more a suggestion than a mandatory obligation.

 He didn’t say “more than usual” so I answered no.

 

Same thing with traffic lights. Now I have sailed through the odd red light, but I haven’t killed anyone so it’s no biggie.

 

Do you have difficulty driving in the rain and/or at night? Now you got me there. I can’t see anything after sundown. Driving in Barbados at night on narrow roads with no sidewalks I would often arrive back at my hotel with purses, watches and the odd hat hanging off the side mirrors.

 

This is a dangerous process. With the stroke of a pen, I could be banned from driving. It was clear to me from my answers that I shouldn’t have been driving for the past 5 years.

I picked up the form from his office and saw all kinds of personal medical information on the form that I didn’t think he needed to provide. It looked like I wouldn’t even be here when my licence comes up for renewal.

I hope they improve the UBER service on the West Island.

 

I thought you should know about this process and treat it seriously.

 

 

Bill Meder

514 992 2916