Dear Jim: A depressing report.

 

Normally I don’t give an early season report on Golf but since I will probably be quitting soon, I thought I should get this off to you now.

Now in the off chance that you and your buddies wherever you hang out up there are screwing with my game for giggles you need to back off…NOW.

 

My swing is gone. I am so embarrassed I had to drop out of a great Wednesday afternoon group since I didn’t want the pity that I knew they would feel if I joined them.

 

I have had a lesson. The instructor said I could have a follow-up, but he would have to wear a mask. I told him Covid on the golf course is a non-issue.

 

“Oh, I don’t mean a medical mask I meant a hood with eye holes so no one would know who was teaching you.”

This wasn’t funny but he was serious. Apparently, the pro shop has my picture in the back office with a “do not engage” warning on it.

 

I spent a few hours on Youtube Monday morning on getting out of sand traps.

Six different instructors with six totally different approaches on every aspect.

All of them worked…. for them. Easy Peasy.

 

So off I went this morning and planted myself and 50 balls in the practice trap.

 

First drill was to hit only the sand with no ball in front of you. After a few minutes of this I had so much sand in my shoes and hair that I couldn’t see straight.

 

Moving on to hitting with a balI, I used all the tips the Youtube bozos showed me.

 When I finally got one ball on the green, I was sweating so hard that I thought I would faint from dehydration.

The balls that I skulled 50 yards are gone forever and the one’s I hit 18 inches are probably not reusable. Sorry.

 

This is a work in progress.

 

I have decided to remove my driver from the bag. It goes the same distance as my 8 iron so why carry two clubs that give you the same distance?

 

My slightly over the top swing is now a serious of two or three separate and uncoordinated pieces (not sure because I can’t see or feel what I’m doing).

 

The bad news is that I’m losing balls so often that I’m having trouble keeping the bag stocked enough for a complete round.

The reason for the lost balls is that none of the people I’m playing with will watch my shot for fear they will become infected with whatever virus is in my brain.

I often turn and say, “did anyone see where that went”. The answer is always “we will drive down the left side of the fairway and you go down the right. We have no idea where it went.”

 

So, you get the idea. Now on Saturday I’m playing in a tournament where 8 randomly chosen members team up and play as a team. Sounds like a 3-ring circus, right?

 

Well, all I know for sure is that after that game there will be 7 more people that I can’t look in the eye at Royal Montreal.

 

There will have to be some ground rules.

No swearing…..at me!

No laughing, no picture taking, no talking with comments like “don’t worry Bill it will come back.”

Coming from strangers this is not helpful. I assume we are paired male/female with someone I probably don’t know.  So, the humiliation will be complete. Don’t ask me why we are doing this, but I was told it wasn’t optional.

 

Next week could be my last week of golf, not for the season, forever!

 

I will keep you posted.

 

 

 

Bill Meder