Letters to Jim: A medical update

Dear Jim:

Well, one month after my Green Light Laser procedure as advertised I am back to my old self and ready to rock and roll. It is a good thing as two weeks ago I was only able to stop from shooting myself by lying in the fetal position holding on to myself with both hands.

As you can imagine this greatly limited my social life and there aren’t many restaurants that are comfortable serving you when you are in that position.

This was certainly a case of misleading advertising at best and anyone contemplating this procedure should call me for the facts.  At the end of the day I learned some things about myself that are disturbing.

I am clearly a Wuss. As I moaned and groaned and leaned on my friends for pity I discovered that my pain threshold is non existent. If anything serious ever happens to me I’m toast. I also found out that everyone I talked to have much bigger problems that they are dealing with and aren’t whimpering in public. How weird is that?

Now you know there are some of my friends who are built tough. They bang in to a tree skiing at 100km/hour and rip off their arm and just pick it up and have it sown back on by the on duty doctor at the bottom of the hill. They then ski for the rest of the day and never mention it. These guys are well known and I’m not surprised.

What does surprise me is the number of people who never complain about anything. How can that be any fun? Self pity has always been a big motivator for me and having others feel sorry for me is the icing on the cake.

At any rate, here I am, full of beans and ready to resume life as I knew it. The good news is that I can’t exercise for two months and that has given me a lot more time to savor an extra donut at breakfast. I don’t have a muscle left in my body and a sudden stop involves a lot of wiggling and jiggling in places I didn’t even know about.

Another few weeks and I will be back to my boyish figure and looking for trouble.

I will keep you posted.

Bill Meder

Letters to Jim: A Mexican holiday

Dear Jim:

Well, as you have probably heard Sally and I decided (I was pushed) to go to Mexico to try an all-inclusive week on the Mayan Riviera. I went with very low expectations and was I ever surprised.

First of all, as you know we haven’t stayed in a hotel in the Caribbean for 20 years, either renting a villa or mooching off friends. Seems that during that time the resorts decided to upscale their offerings such that what I once considered luxurious is now the standard for poor people. The places I thought were great from my past are now $1500 per night but don’t worry, there are no vacancies till next year so Mexico becomes your default option anyway.

Although the resort was first class in every way the people at it were mainly bozo’s or like you, were from Antigonish in the Maritimes. Actually, that’s a little harsh. There were some smart people there. Out of the 960 guests there were two people we enjoyed talking to. Unfortunately they couldn’t speak English so our encounter was brief. Now I don’t like to make comments on physical appearance but strangely most of the people were huge way beyond any description that I could articulate.

When we checked in to the resort I asked what the capacity of the hotel was. The clerk said, on check-in the capacity was about 200,000 pounds and on check out about 220,000 pounds. All their calculations for staff and food service were based on this metric.

The beach was magnificent except when there were two or three people walking ahead of you and the sun was sometimes blocked out.

The bathing suits on the women were for picture taking but I didn’t have the courage to get close. I could outrun most of them but I remember when I was in Africa they told us that the hippopotamus was really, really fast for a short distance so I wasn’t taking chances.

I can just see the designer from “Omar the Tent Maker” (Bathing Suit Division) showing his latest collection. “Here we have a snappy number with a 60 inch waist and the fabric on the top section will allow for a pair of 42 D’s to rest comfortably on the second roll.” Fabulous, make 10,000 copies and send them to all the all-inclusive resorts in Mexico.

The men dressed much differently. Blue Jeans with a Harley Davidson T-Shirt and a pack of cigs rolled up in the arm were pretty common. The ones who really dressed up had collars on their shirts and some even tucked them in. I had no tattoo credentials so I didn’t fit in around the bar. Next year I’m going for one of those big snakes up my leg and over my shoulder just like the guys from Calgary were wearing.

Mexico, my new favorite place and by the way we didn’t get sick there at all. Sally has been in bed for two days with a raging fever and things flying out of her body in all directions since we got home but I’m fine. So for me Mexico is fabulous.

Bill Meder

Letters to Jim: The operation was a "success"

Dear Jim:

I know your sister is a Nun and probably talks to God fairly often. I don’t know if he has a suggestion box but here is a sure fire winner for Nun of the month. Get some decent Quality Control processes in place. If I was a car, the recall record would have put the company out of business long ago.  Parts that are critical for the basic operation of the body are failing at alarming rates and early i.e. just when you need them most and pieces that you have no use for are good for 100 years and more.

All this to say in introduction to your “how is it going?” question.

I’ve learned another bloody lesson. When they told me that Green Light laser surgery for the prostate was a simple daytime procedure, they meant it is simple for them. No muss no fuss. Chop him up, hose him down (they forgot that part with me) and send him home. Now I got that simple part and unfortunately that’s where I stopped investigating. It’s like reading the small print in your Travel Insurance. You have to do it or you could be in deep dippy doo.

What they really meant to say was this is a simple little job and oh by the way, with a recovery that will make you cry for your Mommy nonstop for weeks to come. Let me see if I can describe this for you.

Picture you are skiing and you drink 32 ounces of soft drinks or 6 beer and then jump on the Tram with 100 other people. Half way down the hill the Tram suffers a power failure. 30 minutes later, nothing, one hour later still there. 2 hours on you are still trapped in place. Now can you imagine the urgency you are feeling as you hop from foot to foot? Try and capture that thought and then imagine having that sensation every waking moment for two weeks with the promise that there are another two to four weeks left!

This morning as I was trying to get a hand grip on the railing for the Jacques Cartier Bridge to lift myself over the edge I suddenly decided to go to the hospital for a reality check just in case there was some hope that I was missing.

"So I need to go ever 5 minutes!," I scream at the Nurses and any Doctors within earshot.

I arrive at the hospital at 10am and they say go over there and let’s do a flow scan. I didn’t have to go!

I then drank 500ml of water, 500ml of coke, a coffee, another 500ml of water and walked up and down the hallway. At 12.30pm I was able to dribble enough liquid to use for testing for infections. A little chat with the Doc and I was on my way. I had to stop 4 times to run in to a restaurant or garage on the way home. Even now at 4pm I’m still sloshing around.

I have read every blog on this subject. I have consulted with Doctors, Nurses and on-line support groups. I can tell you without fear of contradiction that if Jonas Salk or Sir Frederick  Banting came back to life and wanted to work in Urology they would consult me for all of their work.

The bottom line is that this is a procedure that you WOULD recommend to your worst enemy. So if you know someone you really hate send him over to me for reference and I will put a smile on your face. In the meantime if you get a little peeved at my being I a little irritable talking to you on the phone it is nothing compared to the hell I’m going to have to pay for chewing the end off of the sofa this afternoon.

I’ll keep you posted. If I live, I could be committed and unavailable except for weekend visits. Come often.

Bill Meder