Dear Jim: Watch out for this.

Dear Jim:

 

Well for some unknown reason (perhaps a complaint from some neighbourhood-watch do- gooder) the government has asked me to get my Optometrist and Doctor to verify that I am able to drive safely.

The Optometrist was no problem although he didn’t ask about eye-hand coordination where I don’t even register on whatever scale you might want to choose. His bad! Passed with colours.

 

The doctor was another story.

 

He had a 4-page questionnaire that had to be filled out in detail.

 

When he called me to do the form, I was driving 120 km/hr on the highway with noisy slush splashing all over the place.  I also had my cell phone in my hand so I could hear everything.

 

As a result, his first question “how is your hearing” was impossible to hear.

 “I said I beg your pardon. “He laughed thinking I had made a joke. At that point I still didn’t know the question, so I just said “perfect”. “Good” he says.

 

Next, he asked if I ever get dizzy. Are you kidding, dizzy is my middle name. What a question. I said, “when I get up quickly, I feel dizzy.” Oh, he says what are you doing about that.

“I don’t get up quickly and try and stay on my feet all day”. Seemed happy with that.

 

Do you ever feel like going to sleep while you are driving?

Oh boy. I said “not often but I have a safety trick. after 2 pm I drive with my left elbow on my left knee and my hand on the wheel. When I fall asleep my arm drops and I wake up.” He wasn’t as impressed with my response as I thought he should be.

 

“Do you find yourself going through stop signs?”.

Now I don’t want to lie. I have been going through stop signs all my life. For goodness sakes there is one at every intersection on the planet. I have treated  a stop sign as more a suggestion than a mandatory obligation.

 He didn’t say “more than usual” so I answered no.

 

Same thing with traffic lights. Now I have sailed through the odd red light, but I haven’t killed anyone so it’s no biggie.

 

Do you have difficulty driving in the rain and/or at night? Now you got me there. I can’t see anything after sundown. Driving in Barbados at night on narrow roads with no sidewalks I would often arrive back at my hotel with purses, watches and the odd hat hanging off the side mirrors.

 

This is a dangerous process. With the stroke of a pen, I could be banned from driving. It was clear to me from my answers that I shouldn’t have been driving for the past 5 years.

I picked up the form from his office and saw all kinds of personal medical information on the form that I didn’t think he needed to provide. It looked like I wouldn’t even be here when my licence comes up for renewal.

I hope they improve the UBER service on the West Island.

 

I thought you should know about this process and treat it seriously.

 

 

Bill Meder

514 992 2916

Dear Jim: Birthdays

 Dear Jim: 

 

Well Sally has just had a birthday and now that we are both in our 70’s we have decided that there will be no more celebrations or acknowledgements of the passing of time going forward.

 

Gifts of course are a complete waste of time and money as by now everyone has everything they could ever have wanted and cards and wrapping etc. are useless activities.

So, I have decided....kill the gifts.

 

Flowers are the worst because you never know what to order and some arrangement arrives at a time when no one is home, and they are dead in two days. Who thought of that idea? Doomed as a business model, I’m sure.

 

 Please remove our names from your reminder file to send a card, a call or a Facebook posting congratulating us on a birthday and don’t ever ask us again how old we are.

 

It turns out that many people, including me, don’t really like old people.

 

Did you ever notice that when someone tells you their age your first response is “well, you sure don’t look it!”

 

Well actually they look 5-10 years older than they just told you, but I learned the hard way that that isn’t what they wanted to hear.

 

If the person talking to you is younger, they are thinking. “Oh Boy is that what I have to look forward to?”

They then say “let’s get together sometime” which is code for we will never see you again.

 

So, it is agreed then. No more references to age or birthdays. Violations of this edict will result in permanent removal from “the list”.

 

Medical reports which form the majority of conversations between our people are  of course strongly encouraged as without that subject, other than the latest Netflix special, there is nothing much to talk about.

 

The exception of course is grandchildren which is boring to most men, but the ladies seem to love every picture, Instagram, Facebook and story about the little buggers. If you aren’t careful you might fall asleep at dinner or this could cause an early death due to boredom.

 

Getting prepared for the final push requires new thinking and although I am meeting some resistance, I think I have it all figured out.

 

Talk soon.

 

Bill Meder

Billmeder.blogspot.com

 

Regards,

Bill 

(514) 992-2916

Dear Jim: An Update on Sally

Dear Jim:

 

As you know poor little Sally has been having a lot of issues lately and her quality-of-life sucks.

 

It started this summer with a detached retina and then one thing after another has appeared ruining most of the fall. 

 

I have contemplated disguising her as a large dog and making an appointment at the Vet to see if they would put her down and out of her misery. 

 

She has carpal tunnel problems with both hands and can’t use them for much. It has forced me to return the power drill I bought her for XMAS and try and find another handyman tool that is easier to operate. 

She can’t make a fist with either hand which for defense purposes is a good thing, but it means she can’t open jars, hold a broom, etc. Also, difficult to operate the cork remover on the wine bottles.

I am teaching the cat to clean her own litter box. 

 

This is also very painful, and she often wakes up in the middle of the night with so much pain she cries. This whimpering wakes me up and I have had to start taking strong sleeping pills to get through the night. 

Fortunately, we have arranged operations on Dec 23 and Jan 6 to fix this problem. Hopefully we won’t get much snow and she heals quickly so that the sidewalks will be cleared for the gazette and mail delivery by late January... 

 

Her main problem just diagnosed yesterday is Polymyalgia Rheumatica requiring massive doses of Prednisone to lower the pain and inflammation throughout her whole body. 

This is good news as we couldn’t get to the bottom of what was causing all the stiffness and constant pain. I have looked up the side effects and I think I’m in trouble

 

Increased aggressiveness is common. I am cleaning out the furnace room and putting in some supplies.

 

Weight gain and changes in the way fat is spread around the body is quite likely. She will love that. I am going to be extra careful to not use the term “Porker”

 

Inappropriate happiness occurs so I will have to have balloons and streamers ready to celebrate on a moments notice. 

 

Changes in personality…oh boy this could be tough.

 

I am currently reviewing all the bad things I have done over the past 50 years to get my stories straight as I can see the relentless interrogations that will be the highlight of the day.

 

I am going to ignore for now the vision problems, eye pain, sore throat, fever, chills, cough, seizures, depression, loss of contact with reality, confusion, muscle twitching, shaking etc. (these are the less serious side effects).

 

Finally, I very helpfully pointed out that Wine should be avoided. She told me to do things that are physically impossible and to stop reading all that BS.

 

We have cancelled our trip to Barbados in January. It turns out that if you should test positive in Barbados, they put you in a motel room with an ankle bracelet and a guard for 14 days. I don’t know who would emerge alive after 14 days, but I think my chances would be 50/50. Too much stress. Will wait until the world settles down.

 

I’m glad we have gotten to the bottom of all this, and I am getting ready for several months of hand-to-hand combat. If I don’t answer the phone for a couple of days, call the police. I may be down but could still be saved. 

 

Will keep you posted.

 

Bill Meder

Dear Jim: It never ends

 Dear Jim:  A caregiver in training

 

If I had chosen to be a caregiver as my career may years ago it is almost certain that countless innocent people would have died prematurely in my care.

 

Apparently, you aren’t allowed to yell or hit which removes two of my most effective techniques for getting compliance.

 

Now let’s be clear! I am not a cook and making a bed is far too complicated for someone with my skills. I know how to turn the oven temperature to 350 degrees…period. If that isn’t enough preparation, we are now on a weight reduction program. I have been warned that pizza 10 times a week is not a strong diet recommendation. Well, who knew?

 

I don’t know where the light switches are on the walls and as for running all the equipement around the house...ha!  Had to put the sprinkler on manual last night. Couldn’t do it. God bless Sally for planting a garden that the botanical gardens want to feature in their next promotion. I give it two weeks before I call in the bull dozers.

,

I could go on but let me just say that I have been called “as useless as an ashtray on a motorcycle”.

 

As I told you Sally suffered a Detached Retina on Thursday. Following the emergency operation, she was given 5 different eye drops, each one to be taken at various intervals during the day. I made up a spreadsheet to control this and it requires me to watch the clock for 12 hours and make sure I don’t miss anything. They obviously didn’t consider that putting in eye drops without tilting one’s head or touching the eye with the tip of the bottle is waaaay beyond my eye hand coordination.  The drops must last two weeks with one of them -6 weeks.

Well doses for week two through six are scattered over my shoes, the kitchen floor and Sally’s cheeks. I hope they will give me refills. This is harder than it sounds. And one drop at a time. Ridiculous, they come out in batches when you squeeze the bottle. You would think this would be a better design.

 

Instructions are very clear. 50% of the success of this procedure is the surgery and 50% is dependent on the patient following instructions precisely.

No reading, no TV, no lifting of head, no activity and you must lie on your stomach.

Sally is much smarter than these doctors. I caught her doing the crosswords yesterday and before I knew it, she was sitting on the edge of the pool kicking her legs.

 

I’ve warned her to no avail. We go back to the doctor tomorrow. I have told her if she doesn’t smarten up, I won’t get her a dog when this is over.

She says she is doing her best and it is hard. Well, boo hoo.

 

This is the 4th summer that has been botched due to one issue or another with either of us.

I thought we were done with a roster of every doctor specialist in two major hospitals on our speed dial. But wait a minute, we were missing an Ophthalmologist team. Another name I can’t pronounce to be added to Cystoscopy, Nephrologist etc. I must write down where I’m going and show the guide the name for directions.

 

At any rate the one good thing is that Sally shot 46 on the front of the Red last Wednesday and now she can’t golf until Sept 9 or so. This will give me time to work on my game so that she doesn’t surpass my progress. 

 

Doctor tomorrow, next Friday and then August 11 before all clear can be given. Until then it is up to her…oh boy.

 

Will keep you posted.

 

Bill

Dear Jim: Here we go again.

 

Dear Jim: Here we go again!

 

Haven’t written to you lately since absolutely nothing happened in the last year. However, I am now good to go and am aggressively devoting the remaining short years of my life to  the game of golf.

 

I got all  new equipment, all new golf clothes, shoes etc. and started with a lesson the first day the course was open back in April. Good health, fit, no worries and all new. What could go wrong.

 

Just to give you a clue, my teammates have asked me to wear a mask when we are playing…not for health safety but to ensure that no one will recognize who they are playing with .

 

I lost 7 balls yesterday. No one will watch me swing for fear of contagion ( some things cannot be un-seen so I am on my own when I hit.)

 

 Well, some balls go high and left…hard left, and some go straight up in the air and land 100 yards away while the remainders are topped, scuffed, shanked, sliced or move 10 yards slightly forward. If I don’t look up quickly enough, I have no clue where the ball went. Since I do every swing exactly the same,( at least it feels that way) I am in a constant state of stress, not knowing which direction to drive my cart for shot 2.

 

It truly is amazing. For 40 years I have gotten out of the sand every time. I have been fearless and could care less if I ended up in a trap.

 

This year I go into the trap, take 3 or 4 attempts, bend over and pick up my ball and put it in my pocket. Takes several minutes to get the sand out of my neck, back  eyes and nose. Put me down for 7 please.  You would be amazed at your  total score with many, many 7’s or 8’s on your scorecard.

 

My trusty lob wedge has always been my money club. Getting up and down was at least 50/50 even on a bad day. The other day I put down 100 balls on the chipping practice green. One after the other..perfect. I started sinking them from 15 feet off the green. Even closed my eyes for the last 20 or so.

 

As soon as they yell “Game on” all of this vanishes. First chip after the practice- 8 inches. My  distance control is laughable and when I don’t skull it over the green, I chunk it 3 feet..10 feet if I get under it.

If  there is a trap anywhere near, I head right in there. Put me down for 7.

 

And putting. No exaggeration…went to the club 5 days in a row and for one hour putted from 5-8 feet. Never made one. Now let me repeat this…never made one. No one will give me a putt of one foot because they don’t think I will make it. If I went to the Granby Zoo and gave my putter to any monkey in the place, after 5 hours he would be draining those putts one after another. Don’t waste time asking  me if I’m pushing or pulling or too hard or too soft..the answer is yes.

 

How is this possible? I went and re read several letters I have written you over the years about golf and they all seem to have the same theme.

 I am no good.

Won’t ever be good and I have wasted 40 years fooling myself in to thinking I was going to improve.

 

Basically, eye hand coordination scores ..2 on a 1-10 scale.

Strength…nope.

Motor skills..not measureable.

Ability to concentrate..poor.

 Able to remember swing thoughts or lessons highlights…evidence would point to that being a no.

Finding a groove…repeatability..consistancy…HA!

Cart driving…good to very good.

That is what I’m working with.

They say that Insanity  is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

By definition then ,I am insane!

 

Not giving up though. I feel I’m on the verge of a breakthrough and I will let you know as soon as that happens. Everyone is giving me suggestions and so far, I have 22 new swing thoughts that I’m going to try beginning tomorrow. My wife is very helpful and gives me all kinds of advice while I am trying to sulk after I get back home from my game. I silently nod at each comment and think, just shoot me now.

 

I have been served notice that I have to up my game because I’m causing the performance of my group to move down towards my levels and there is clear evidence that they cannot concentrate while I’m whacking away. This can’t continue I have been told.

There I am concentrating like crazy while the others are hitting two balls, taking their putts over a few times or worse yet running in to the practice tees to hit a few while they transition from the front 9 to the back. Everyone has their own cart and one of the group told me it  was because he couldn’t stand the conversation.

 

And in case you don’t remember. I have been to several one-week golf schools, had 100’s of hours of specific one on one lessons and have had  more video shots of my swing in action than Tiger Woods.

So, I know what is what.

 It is just that  brain can’t seem to bring up the appropriate actions required at the necessary time. It will come to me…soon…or else.

 

Will keep you posted.

 

 

Bill Meder

 

Billmeder.blogspot.com

 

An update on house arrest

 

Dear Jim

 

Well, nothing is getting better if you want to know. I’m thinking of buying an ankle tracking bracelet to get the full impact of being trapped. In fact, a lot of things are changing in our house as the confinement continues.

 

Turns out our kitchen is now  too small to have two people do breakfast at the same time.

I have been informed that I’m to get up first, go downstairs, empty the dishwasher, feed the cat, make my breakfast, clean up after I’m finished and then leave. I can go to any other room in the house, as long as I stay out of the kitchen for the rest of the morning.

 

Today I was asked for the first time ever to help change the sheets on the bed. This is a skill that I never acquired naturally and have never seen it as a line item on a resume. It is very tricky to do and I have declared  “one and done”. Too hard to get everything even and lumps smoothed out.

 I think I may  have nipped this in the bud with my sloppy performance and a lot of shouting.

 

So, we continue from one meal to the next and try to keep desserts to 3 times per day.

I have a smart scale and this morning there was a message “new user?”

It is hard to burn calories when you are prone most of your waking hours. My fitness app says that I burned 211 calories yesterday. Not per hour…for the whole day.

Input on the other hand clearly topped 5000 calories.

 I am on a collision course for a lot of new wardrobe decisions very soon.

 

We have four programs going simultaneously on Netflix and/or Prime ( I forget what is on which) and I can hardly wait for them to be over so we can start some new ones. It has turned in to a marathon, but I am confused as to why. Pressure is on every day to log in enough hours to clear the backlog, so we don’t get behind the new releases.

 

We can’t watch the  news anymore because every segment on the Vaccination progress shows somebody getting a needle, over and over and over while they discuss the story. I have seen more vaccinations on TV than we have done in the whole province of Quebec.

 I get it. Someone sticks a big, long scary needle in your arm..its called a vaccination.

I think by  now I could give them myself and am considering volunteering.

 

Sally has been quite ill the past week and she couldn’t even shovel the sidewalk. That didn’t make me very happy. She had a tough time running those large garbage pails up to the end of our 300 ft driveway as well. I would have helped but my nose runs when it is cold. Hope she improves quickly.

 

We both went for COVID tests and were clear which is a good thing for her. I would have hated putting her in the furnace room for two weeks to isolate.

 

At any rate the way things are going we are going to be needing  DNA test results to confirm the identity of our grandchildren in California if we can ever go there.

 

I saw these two quotes yesterday that I will share with you.

Life is like a helicopter….. I don’t know how to operate a helicopter.

And finally, my wife says I never buy her flowers. Honestly, I never knew she sold flowers.

 

I will keep you posted.

 

Bill Meder

billmeder@blogspot.com

 

Regards,

Bill 

(514) 992-2916

Dear Jim: The Covid beat goes on

Dear Jim:

 

You probably wonder why I haven’t written for some time and I have been reminded that this is not acceptable. Frankly, there is little to write about as there is no life as we knew it to comment on.

Well not technically true.

Our Government has said that we cannot make appointments for COVID  vaccination, but they will contact us to schedule our shots when they are ready. This is Great, what could go wrong with this plan? Simple and straight forward.

As a result, I now carry my cell phone 7/24 including during showers so that I don’t miss that call. They are now saying everyone will be vaccinated by Sept 30, but they don’t have any doses until March. I shouldn’t say doses plural as we will only get one shot. This will keep us on our toes long after the Vaccination program is over and promises to keep more of the older folks off the street until they die of natural causes.

As you know I don’t envy anyone except those that have their own airplane and people who have already been vaccinated in Florida. So, if you know anyone with a plane who has had their two shots let me know so I can take them off my friends and acquaintances

list.

So how do we pass the time during the various level of lockdown?

 

I am reading books every day. Don’t ask me the titles for recommendations as I don’t remember any of them. The name of the Author may come to me if I concentrate on it.

 As for the plot, all I know is that someone gets killed near the beginning and they find out who did it by the end. My apple book library is now being stored in the Cloud as my IPAD is full.

 

As for watching TV we have made a point of not watching anything before 5 pm. We also only watch series that have at least 10 episodes with people having a horrible experience. We don’t mind the violence and sex scenes as they are all the same and we are used to them now. The couple comes in the door to the home,  ripping each other’s clothes off as they stumble through the lobby and knock over a vase or table. Then, half dressed,  the guy carry’s the girl with her legs wrapped around his waist  through the house/apartment into the bedroom or a kitchen workstation. Still half-dressed ( the girl never takes off her bra..must be a Screen Actors Guild regulation),  the screen goes to black and then we see them wake  up in the morning with various degrees of guilt and wonder how they can stand not brushing their teeth before engaging in Tete- a -Tete conversations.

Sally yells at the SOB who is cheating on his wife and I try ,to no avail,  to remind her that they can’t hear her. We are in a rhythm and since every day is the same, I can’t tell when the weekend arrives or even what day of the week it is most of the time.

 

A big event for us here in Quebec every day is the curfew  from 8 pm to 5 am.  This has had a huge impact on me because I have never been outside from 8pm to 5 am and now wonder what I am missing that everyone had to be told they couldn’t do. One of my friends phoned me at 8.15pm to make sure I  was honoring the curfew. Woke me out of a dead sleep.

 

During the day before all the stores were closed Sally went out every day for a few hours of shopping. Our house is now filled with all manner of useless crap  that we won’t even be able to donate to NOVA charity services as there is no one who could have any use for them. All closets are full, and I mean full. I have been moved out and put into a small enclosure in another part of the house.

The amazing thing is that Sally has now become a whiz on e-commerce, and we have a personal relationship with the Amazon delivery driver. The junk continues to flow.

 

BTW I have not bought anything for 10 months and my Visa is in danger of being cancelled as it looks to be dormant.

 

I go out every day and just drive around to nowhere in particular. I’m not concentrating much and recently I have gone through 3 red lights and tried to turn up a one-way street going the wrong way. I am in a trance going through the stop signs so I can’t give you any numbers. I do go to the grocery store and pick up one item every trip so that I have a reason to go out. Peanut butter on Monday, jam on Tuesday, milk on Wednesday…you get the picture.

 

As a project, I am trying to get Sally’s cat to like me. I seem to be invisible and if it doesn’t go anywhere soon, I may leave her outside overnight by mistake to show her who is boss.

 

Finally, I am liking the doctor appts by phone now. Mind you the calls have been very brief. I say “this” isn’t working properly and the doctor  answers, “that’s normal for your age, things will continue to  stop working and in fact the number of “things” will accelerate from here”  Well, ok then, good to know. Saving myself a lot of time and parking fees and I have no treatments to deal with as most everything is broken for good.

 

You always ask me if I’m exaggerating or if this is true. Believe me, you can’t make this stuff up!

 

I will let you know as soon as we are released back in to the wild. In the meantime, stay safe…

 

Regards,

Bill Meder

(514) 992-2916

wmeder@gmail.com