Dear Jim: As the days dwindle down the time machine is speeding up

 

Dear Jim:

Someone has put a speed chip into the time machine.

I just woke up to realize that it is going to be August 1 any minute now. How did that happen?

During the winter every day seemed like a week, and we could hardly wait for summer. Along comes June…cold, rainy and there goes July, hot hot. In the blink of an eye.

 

You do know that the leaves start to change in three weeks! I know, I know Sept and Oct can be great but at the speed we are going it will be November in a minute and it all starts again.

 

I have started to realize that this faster cycle is causing non fixable changes to my quality of life.

 

I am now going to go for a year-to-year car rental. How can I buy a car that may last seven or so years?

 I have passengers who don’t think I should be driving now. What are the odds that I should be driving six or seven years from now?

It wasn't long ago that I would have breakfast meetings  at the Ritz at 7am followed by a second one at 8. I now have trouble making an 8 am zoom call from home usually with my face blurred to hide my, deer caught in the headlights, look I sport at that time of day.

 

I used to go to bed at 11 pm and up and at’em at 7 am or earlier. No more.

In the winter it is pitch black out at 4 pm so I don’t feel guilty going up to bed at 8 pm..lights out at 9. In the summer I feel guilty doing that so we put in black out blinds so we can pretend it is late while the whole neighbourhood is walking up and down the road long after we are gone to the world.

 

I used to do fifty things a day.

Now, by noon the most I can say is I went to the bank or went and bought a take- out dinner.

Don’t know why it took me all morning. No rational explanation so don’t ask what is taking so long.

 

I would get out of bed at 7 am to take an 8 am flight to Toronto.  Now I have to get up at 5.30 am to make a 9.30 tee time at the golf club. No explanation makes sense.

 

I used to walk up and down the stairs with a coffee cup in one hand and my iPad in the other. I noticed the other day that I now grab the banister with both hands going up or down. Didn’t even see it coming.

 

When I was drinking it was normal to be   a little bit unsteady at the end of the night.

Now I wobble every time I get up after sitting for 15 minutes. And when did the dizziness start when I make a fast move. Don’t know. Just began….

 

My hearing may be getting weaker. I have always been good at ignoring instructions but now I don’t seem to catch all the tidbits that I’m interested in hearing. I nod as if I got it…getting good at faking it.

I have closed captions on all my TV shows and love reading the Netflix movies when we watch TV. The sound is so high that we haven’t had any wildlife within 300 yards of the house this year.

People close to me seem to be shouting most of the time or this just my imagination?

 

I didn’t swim when the pool was heated to 70 degrees F and now, I don’t swim when it is set at 90 degrees.

 

You get the picture; nothing is the same and certainly not going to get any better. The slow downhill slide seems to have picked up speed. This isn’t going to end well….

 

 

Bill Meder

Dear Jim: Ok, I got the message

 Dear Jim: 

 

I know I told you to send me a sign when you arrived to wherever you are. I didn’t mean you had to get into my golf swing and start messing with it as a sign that you were connected with me.

 

I have never hit a shank in golf in my life and yesterday I didn’t hit anything else for an hour.

I tried everything and couldn’t fix it until finally I said to myself...” It’s Jim” just letting me know!

 

I went out today and sure enough everything was back to normal.

 

 Ok then, I confirm we are now connected…no more signs S.V.P

 

And by the way it was a nice touch making me “co-executor” of your estate, instead of “one of” the executors. This way I get to sign every document, approve every action, and learn first-hand the probate procedures in Ontario, Nova Scotia and Florida combined with my now useless knowledge of Quebec rules and procedures.

You did know you live in a different province than me…right?

 

Who knew I would be getting to meet a whole raft of new legal friends and banking acquaintances with “yes, but” following every question or suggestion I make?

 I had wondered what I was going to do in my spare time this year and you single handidly solved that problem for me with the little “Co” addition to your will. Nice touch…I’ll bet you did that on purpose. That’s what friends are for.

 

It was also a nice addition to see that you had ignored all my suggestions earlier this year about winding up your company and selling your vacation home in Antigonish. This allows me to dig deep into the tax consequences in three provinces and two countries. Hells bells, I am going to be an expert before this is done and can probably get consulting gigs.

 

And finally, when I asked you to get rid of all those joint accounts it must have been after you lost your hearing, and now I get to watch your money grow all over the banking system for the many months I will spend getting those accounts closed.

 

I have always said you were a special friend and you have come through with an exclamation point! For certain I'm not going to forget you any time soon.

 

Enjoy yourself, you have a front row seat.

 

 

Bill Meder

 Dear Jim: Watch out for this.

Dear Jim:

 

Well for some unknown reason (perhaps a complaint from some neighbourhood-watch do- gooder) the government has asked me to get my Optometrist and Doctor to verify that I am able to drive safely.

The Optometrist was no problem although he didn’t ask about eye-hand coordination where I don’t even register on whatever scale you might want to choose. His bad! Passed with colours.

 

The doctor was another story.

 

He had a 4-page questionnaire that had to be filled out in detail.

 

When he called me to do the form, I was driving 120 km/hr on the highway with noisy slush splashing all over the place.  I also had my cell phone in my hand so I could hear everything.

 

As a result, his first question “how is your hearing” was impossible to hear.

 “I said I beg your pardon. “He laughed thinking I had made a joke. At that point I still didn’t know the question, so I just said “perfect”. “Good” he says.

 

Next, he asked if I ever get dizzy. Are you kidding, dizzy is my middle name. What a question. I said, “when I get up quickly, I feel dizzy.” Oh, he says what are you doing about that.

“I don’t get up quickly and try and stay on my feet all day”. Seemed happy with that.

 

Do you ever feel like going to sleep while you are driving?

Oh boy. I said “not often but I have a safety trick. after 2 pm I drive with my left elbow on my left knee and my hand on the wheel. When I fall asleep my arm drops and I wake up.” He wasn’t as impressed with my response as I thought he should be.

 

“Do you find yourself going through stop signs?”.

Now I don’t want to lie. I have been going through stop signs all my life. For goodness sakes there is one at every intersection on the planet. I have treated  a stop sign as more a suggestion than a mandatory obligation.

 He didn’t say “more than usual” so I answered no.

 

Same thing with traffic lights. Now I have sailed through the odd red light, but I haven’t killed anyone so it’s no biggie.

 

Do you have difficulty driving in the rain and/or at night? Now you got me there. I can’t see anything after sundown. Driving in Barbados at night on narrow roads with no sidewalks I would often arrive back at my hotel with purses, watches and the odd hat hanging off the side mirrors.

 

This is a dangerous process. With the stroke of a pen, I could be banned from driving. It was clear to me from my answers that I shouldn’t have been driving for the past 5 years.

I picked up the form from his office and saw all kinds of personal medical information on the form that I didn’t think he needed to provide. It looked like I wouldn’t even be here when my licence comes up for renewal.

I hope they improve the UBER service on the West Island.

 

I thought you should know about this process and treat it seriously.

 

 

Bill Meder

514 992 2916

Dear Jim: Birthdays

 Dear Jim: 

 

Well Sally has just had a birthday and now that we are both in our 70’s we have decided that there will be no more celebrations or acknowledgements of the passing of time going forward.

 

Gifts of course are a complete waste of time and money as by now everyone has everything they could ever have wanted and cards and wrapping etc. are useless activities.

So, I have decided....kill the gifts.

 

Flowers are the worst because you never know what to order and some arrangement arrives at a time when no one is home, and they are dead in two days. Who thought of that idea? Doomed as a business model, I’m sure.

 

 Please remove our names from your reminder file to send a card, a call or a Facebook posting congratulating us on a birthday and don’t ever ask us again how old we are.

 

It turns out that many people, including me, don’t really like old people.

 

Did you ever notice that when someone tells you their age your first response is “well, you sure don’t look it!”

 

Well actually they look 5-10 years older than they just told you, but I learned the hard way that that isn’t what they wanted to hear.

 

If the person talking to you is younger, they are thinking. “Oh Boy is that what I have to look forward to?”

They then say “let’s get together sometime” which is code for we will never see you again.

 

So, it is agreed then. No more references to age or birthdays. Violations of this edict will result in permanent removal from “the list”.

 

Medical reports which form the majority of conversations between our people are  of course strongly encouraged as without that subject, other than the latest Netflix special, there is nothing much to talk about.

 

The exception of course is grandchildren which is boring to most men, but the ladies seem to love every picture, Instagram, Facebook and story about the little buggers. If you aren’t careful you might fall asleep at dinner or this could cause an early death due to boredom.

 

Getting prepared for the final push requires new thinking and although I am meeting some resistance, I think I have it all figured out.

 

Talk soon.

 

Bill Meder

Billmeder.blogspot.com

 

Regards,

Bill 

(514) 992-2916

Dear Jim: An Update on Sally

Dear Jim:

 

As you know poor little Sally has been having a lot of issues lately and her quality-of-life sucks.

 

It started this summer with a detached retina and then one thing after another has appeared ruining most of the fall. 

 

I have contemplated disguising her as a large dog and making an appointment at the Vet to see if they would put her down and out of her misery. 

 

She has carpal tunnel problems with both hands and can’t use them for much. It has forced me to return the power drill I bought her for XMAS and try and find another handyman tool that is easier to operate. 

She can’t make a fist with either hand which for defense purposes is a good thing, but it means she can’t open jars, hold a broom, etc. Also, difficult to operate the cork remover on the wine bottles.

I am teaching the cat to clean her own litter box. 

 

This is also very painful, and she often wakes up in the middle of the night with so much pain she cries. This whimpering wakes me up and I have had to start taking strong sleeping pills to get through the night. 

Fortunately, we have arranged operations on Dec 23 and Jan 6 to fix this problem. Hopefully we won’t get much snow and she heals quickly so that the sidewalks will be cleared for the gazette and mail delivery by late January... 

 

Her main problem just diagnosed yesterday is Polymyalgia Rheumatica requiring massive doses of Prednisone to lower the pain and inflammation throughout her whole body. 

This is good news as we couldn’t get to the bottom of what was causing all the stiffness and constant pain. I have looked up the side effects and I think I’m in trouble

 

Increased aggressiveness is common. I am cleaning out the furnace room and putting in some supplies.

 

Weight gain and changes in the way fat is spread around the body is quite likely. She will love that. I am going to be extra careful to not use the term “Porker”

 

Inappropriate happiness occurs so I will have to have balloons and streamers ready to celebrate on a moments notice. 

 

Changes in personality…oh boy this could be tough.

 

I am currently reviewing all the bad things I have done over the past 50 years to get my stories straight as I can see the relentless interrogations that will be the highlight of the day.

 

I am going to ignore for now the vision problems, eye pain, sore throat, fever, chills, cough, seizures, depression, loss of contact with reality, confusion, muscle twitching, shaking etc. (these are the less serious side effects).

 

Finally, I very helpfully pointed out that Wine should be avoided. She told me to do things that are physically impossible and to stop reading all that BS.

 

We have cancelled our trip to Barbados in January. It turns out that if you should test positive in Barbados, they put you in a motel room with an ankle bracelet and a guard for 14 days. I don’t know who would emerge alive after 14 days, but I think my chances would be 50/50. Too much stress. Will wait until the world settles down.

 

I’m glad we have gotten to the bottom of all this, and I am getting ready for several months of hand-to-hand combat. If I don’t answer the phone for a couple of days, call the police. I may be down but could still be saved. 

 

Will keep you posted.

 

Bill Meder

Dear Jim: It never ends

 Dear Jim:  A caregiver in training

 

If I had chosen to be a caregiver as my career may years ago it is almost certain that countless innocent people would have died prematurely in my care.

 

Apparently, you aren’t allowed to yell or hit which removes two of my most effective techniques for getting compliance.

 

Now let’s be clear! I am not a cook and making a bed is far too complicated for someone with my skills. I know how to turn the oven temperature to 350 degrees…period. If that isn’t enough preparation, we are now on a weight reduction program. I have been warned that pizza 10 times a week is not a strong diet recommendation. Well, who knew?

 

I don’t know where the light switches are on the walls and as for running all the equipement around the house...ha!  Had to put the sprinkler on manual last night. Couldn’t do it. God bless Sally for planting a garden that the botanical gardens want to feature in their next promotion. I give it two weeks before I call in the bull dozers.

,

I could go on but let me just say that I have been called “as useless as an ashtray on a motorcycle”.

 

As I told you Sally suffered a Detached Retina on Thursday. Following the emergency operation, she was given 5 different eye drops, each one to be taken at various intervals during the day. I made up a spreadsheet to control this and it requires me to watch the clock for 12 hours and make sure I don’t miss anything. They obviously didn’t consider that putting in eye drops without tilting one’s head or touching the eye with the tip of the bottle is waaaay beyond my eye hand coordination.  The drops must last two weeks with one of them -6 weeks.

Well doses for week two through six are scattered over my shoes, the kitchen floor and Sally’s cheeks. I hope they will give me refills. This is harder than it sounds. And one drop at a time. Ridiculous, they come out in batches when you squeeze the bottle. You would think this would be a better design.

 

Instructions are very clear. 50% of the success of this procedure is the surgery and 50% is dependent on the patient following instructions precisely.

No reading, no TV, no lifting of head, no activity and you must lie on your stomach.

Sally is much smarter than these doctors. I caught her doing the crosswords yesterday and before I knew it, she was sitting on the edge of the pool kicking her legs.

 

I’ve warned her to no avail. We go back to the doctor tomorrow. I have told her if she doesn’t smarten up, I won’t get her a dog when this is over.

She says she is doing her best and it is hard. Well, boo hoo.

 

This is the 4th summer that has been botched due to one issue or another with either of us.

I thought we were done with a roster of every doctor specialist in two major hospitals on our speed dial. But wait a minute, we were missing an Ophthalmologist team. Another name I can’t pronounce to be added to Cystoscopy, Nephrologist etc. I must write down where I’m going and show the guide the name for directions.

 

At any rate the one good thing is that Sally shot 46 on the front of the Red last Wednesday and now she can’t golf until Sept 9 or so. This will give me time to work on my game so that she doesn’t surpass my progress. 

 

Doctor tomorrow, next Friday and then August 11 before all clear can be given. Until then it is up to her…oh boy.

 

Will keep you posted.

 

Bill

Dear Jim: Here we go again.

 

Dear Jim: Here we go again!

 

Haven’t written to you lately since absolutely nothing happened in the last year. However, I am now good to go and am aggressively devoting the remaining short years of my life to  the game of golf.

 

I got all  new equipment, all new golf clothes, shoes etc. and started with a lesson the first day the course was open back in April. Good health, fit, no worries and all new. What could go wrong.

 

Just to give you a clue, my teammates have asked me to wear a mask when we are playing…not for health safety but to ensure that no one will recognize who they are playing with .

 

I lost 7 balls yesterday. No one will watch me swing for fear of contagion ( some things cannot be un-seen so I am on my own when I hit.)

 

 Well, some balls go high and left…hard left, and some go straight up in the air and land 100 yards away while the remainders are topped, scuffed, shanked, sliced or move 10 yards slightly forward. If I don’t look up quickly enough, I have no clue where the ball went. Since I do every swing exactly the same,( at least it feels that way) I am in a constant state of stress, not knowing which direction to drive my cart for shot 2.

 

It truly is amazing. For 40 years I have gotten out of the sand every time. I have been fearless and could care less if I ended up in a trap.

 

This year I go into the trap, take 3 or 4 attempts, bend over and pick up my ball and put it in my pocket. Takes several minutes to get the sand out of my neck, back  eyes and nose. Put me down for 7 please.  You would be amazed at your  total score with many, many 7’s or 8’s on your scorecard.

 

My trusty lob wedge has always been my money club. Getting up and down was at least 50/50 even on a bad day. The other day I put down 100 balls on the chipping practice green. One after the other..perfect. I started sinking them from 15 feet off the green. Even closed my eyes for the last 20 or so.

 

As soon as they yell “Game on” all of this vanishes. First chip after the practice- 8 inches. My  distance control is laughable and when I don’t skull it over the green, I chunk it 3 feet..10 feet if I get under it.

If  there is a trap anywhere near, I head right in there. Put me down for 7.

 

And putting. No exaggeration…went to the club 5 days in a row and for one hour putted from 5-8 feet. Never made one. Now let me repeat this…never made one. No one will give me a putt of one foot because they don’t think I will make it. If I went to the Granby Zoo and gave my putter to any monkey in the place, after 5 hours he would be draining those putts one after another. Don’t waste time asking  me if I’m pushing or pulling or too hard or too soft..the answer is yes.

 

How is this possible? I went and re read several letters I have written you over the years about golf and they all seem to have the same theme.

 I am no good.

Won’t ever be good and I have wasted 40 years fooling myself in to thinking I was going to improve.

 

Basically, eye hand coordination scores ..2 on a 1-10 scale.

Strength…nope.

Motor skills..not measureable.

Ability to concentrate..poor.

 Able to remember swing thoughts or lessons highlights…evidence would point to that being a no.

Finding a groove…repeatability..consistancy…HA!

Cart driving…good to very good.

That is what I’m working with.

They say that Insanity  is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

By definition then ,I am insane!

 

Not giving up though. I feel I’m on the verge of a breakthrough and I will let you know as soon as that happens. Everyone is giving me suggestions and so far, I have 22 new swing thoughts that I’m going to try beginning tomorrow. My wife is very helpful and gives me all kinds of advice while I am trying to sulk after I get back home from my game. I silently nod at each comment and think, just shoot me now.

 

I have been served notice that I have to up my game because I’m causing the performance of my group to move down towards my levels and there is clear evidence that they cannot concentrate while I’m whacking away. This can’t continue I have been told.

There I am concentrating like crazy while the others are hitting two balls, taking their putts over a few times or worse yet running in to the practice tees to hit a few while they transition from the front 9 to the back. Everyone has their own cart and one of the group told me it  was because he couldn’t stand the conversation.

 

And in case you don’t remember. I have been to several one-week golf schools, had 100’s of hours of specific one on one lessons and have had  more video shots of my swing in action than Tiger Woods.

So, I know what is what.

 It is just that  brain can’t seem to bring up the appropriate actions required at the necessary time. It will come to me…soon…or else.

 

Will keep you posted.

 

 

Bill Meder

 

Billmeder.blogspot.com