All done Lessons Learned

Dear Jim: all done…lessons learned

HI thought I would share some safety tips from my experience over the past 4 weeks.

Every day when you arrive at the hospital you are interviewed at the front door for Covid symptoms

“Do you have a fever, headache, sore throat, cough, runny nose, muscle ache, diarrhea, shortness of breath and sneezing?”

The correct answer is “Nope, I’m perfect!!”

” Well OK then, come on in!

The REAL answer is “Of course, you Moron, I have all of those symptoms, caused by the so-called medical treatment plan I’m following.  And, by the way they, are getting worse everyday.

Don’t say that or you will spend the day being studied …so Safety tip number one is to lie at all times.

And of course, do not cough or sneeze walking down the hall. They have monitors ( I think some of them may be armed) looking for any sign of  a Covid symptom.) You don’t want to get anyone pushing you in to the suspect queue.

You need to study Hospital gowns before you start and learn how to tie a bow with  the ties in the  back flaps.

Turns out that a bare- naked view of an old persons’ rear- end walking down the hall  is not nearly as sexy as you might like to think. I find the young female technicians particularly critical.

You will need to build up your glute's before you start. The ability to clench your butt cheeks in milliseconds is a vital and really necessary skill .

This will protect your sneeze and cough control and if someone makes a sudden move around you.

 If you don’t develop this skill you may get  a graphic  demonstration of where the term “Shit Storm” came from. Just saying....

And by the way speaking of the D word (Diarrhea) don’t ever, ever, EVER take a   sleeping pill when you are in this condition.

They tell you not to lose weight. Eat 6 small meals a day. I missed the "small" part and I'm up 5 lbs. So read the instructions carefully. 

Finally, you should expect to behave strangely for no reason.

Example: Stepping into the shower with your slippers on, or dropping off a treat at your best friend of 25 years house and then leaving it at the neighbour’s front door by mistake. I could go on but you get the idea.

No explanation for this. Just happens

.

 But now I wait 2-4 months to see what the result is. The doctors at the MUHC are great and the experience has  been extremely well organized and executed. If I wasn't such a baby I would be telling you not to worry if this should happen to you.

 So, come around September-October start checking the obits in case I’m not able to communicate with you.

No don't worry, I have a very positive attitude and am doing my  homework. Example FYI the guard rails on the new Champlain Bridge are very very high. 

Will try to keep you posted if I survive the recovery over the next 2- 3 weeks. 

Then, everyone is telling me, Yippie,you will be able to play golf.!!  Oh boy what a reward. Just shoot me now!

Regards

Bill Meder

billmeder.blogspot.com

 

Regards,

Bill 

(514) 992-2916

An Update



Dear Jim:

How am I you ask? Is this a trick question?

As you no doubt know or are one of the few people on the planet that Sally hasn’t blabbed  too I am dealing with a slight imperfection in my previously perfect body parts inventory. It seems my parents didn’t take out the extended warranty when they had the chance and here I am past my “best before date” with no safety net.

And get this. My problem is caused by smoking which I quit doing 56 years ago!!

Not possible you say. They promised that if I stopped, I would live a long and healthy life.

 They lied!

And to think I bought that BS and gave up  really fun stuff . Like  drinking, French fries and then exercising like a fiend. What a betrayal.

Correcting this imperfection involves extreme torture techniques that ISIS could have used to control the Caliphate if they had known.  

Chemo and Radiation are common terms and like you, when I encountered someone doing them, I would always say. “don’t worry, it is going to be OK, stay strong, chin up, you can do, it rah rah rah. And what else is new?

In the Medical community I am a known coward, anxiety driven, weak, and generally a snivelling baby when anything happens to me. 

I use Dr. Google to inform me of the worst possible outcomes and spend my time worrying about my Eulogy and who is going to remember to cancel the Economist subscription for a refund.

And for additional nail biting, it turns out the Chemo is meant to kill your immune system..great timing..they told me if I get Covid don't come to the hospital. Go straight to the Crematorium and take a number. 

With Covid stay at home rules I have put on a few pounds and my big worry is that the marks the radiologist put on my body to line up the machine have shifted a couple of inches. Now when they line up the machine, I know they are zapping things that shouldn’t be zapped. I explained this to them last week and reminded them that some of my favourite parts are in the range and if they cause anything to fall off, I’m suing. They thought I was kidding but I’m keeping a close watch on side effects. I have 6 more sessions out of 20 planned, ending Tuesday May 19.

My last Chemo is tomorrow, and the nurse reminded me last week while I was cringing and complaining about headaches, nausea, etc. etc. that my dosage was one twentieth of the 86-year-old lady sitting across from me loading in bag after bag of poison.

 Why do women never complain? In fact, I have never heard anyone complain about these treatments and I can’t stop. Go figure!

They will be glad to see me gone.

So, what is the prognosis you ask. Well the Doctor said we would know if it worked within a couple of months and if it didn’t…… I replied that I hoped the gun stores would be open by then.

I have three Doctors on the case, and I think they may have had enough of me. They just don’t get my sense of humour when I say I’m coming after them if this doesn’t produce results.

At any rate I will keep you posted. If you don’t hear from me, ask around.

Bill Meder