Mr. Fix It.

Dear Jim:

Since I was 20 years old I have successfully ensured that I would never have to fix anything around the house by delegating all responsibility for making things work  to Sally. I don’t know if we have any tools and if we do I don’t know where they are. I considered giving Sally a jig saw that had caught her eye  for her birthday last year but at the last moment  gave her an array of screw drivers instead which she was thrilled with.

So here it is, 10.30 am Saturday with nothing to do. Sally is at the Hospital Gift Shop fooling around with inventory and making like Bonny Brooks running the Bay.

I look over at the gas fireplace which hasn’t been turned on yet  for the season so I figure I will get it going. Never having done it before I get down on the floor and play with the controls getting the pilot light going.  Not as easy as one would think but doable. Next , over to the thermostat  to start the fire. Nothing!

My immediate conclusion is that the thermostat is broken. For someone of my technical aptitude this is a piece of cake,  I can easily replace this before lunch. Where are the screw drivers? I remove the thermostat cover and look at the wires. Wiggle the wires and one breaks off. No problem, just need to strip the cover off the wire and reattach. Tiny little wire. Hard to strip the coating off. I will have to buy some more wire and splice it.

 I unscrew the plate and disconnect the remaining wire. Now I have the thermostat in my hand and off I go to get a new one.  So far I’m one hour in to the 5 minute job. The hole in the wall and the wires hanging down can probably be fixed with some plaster and a few coats of paint. I’ll bring in a handyman to clean that up.

I won’t bore you with the details but I went all over the island,  to Canadian Tire, Rona, Reno Depot and three lighting stores. Every bozo that works on his house goes to these stores on Saturaday’s and the parking lots are like manoevering  a bumper car ride at the circus.  No staff in any of them although I did finally find a teenager who probably lives in his parent’s basement and asked him where I could find “one of these”. Aisle 45 .here I come. Now I’m looking at 65 different thermostats made in Vietnam and none of them look anything like what I’m holding in my hand.  After about 30 minutes  I find one for $19.95 that looks like it would do the job. I’ll be back. Don’t want to waste $19.95 it it isn’t perfect.

Next stop the Internet and I find a fireplace store way off the island well on the road to Toronto. I drive out there through heavy traffic and construction. The clerk says my Thermostat was obsolete in 1995 and  sells me a $171 remote Thermostat that I can install in 5 minutes. Sounds good and home I go.  It’s now 4 pm and I haven’t had lunch yet.

First off, the clerk says that I have to disconnect the two wires on the control. I see 5 wires. And furthermore where do I connect the two wires to the remote. I disconnect all the wires and then reattach most of them.  I finally get it all hooked up and push the button. Nothing.

I phone the store and say “I just just bought the Gas Fireplace remote , are you the clerk who served me? Nope. Well please ask the 7 staff members which one served the  English Guy using sign language and Charade skills to explain what he needed to start his Gas Fireplace.  Thank you and  Bonjour to you too.

I said , look you need to send a service guy. He says that will  be $175 but before we do that why don’t you come back to the store and we will install the remote on one of my fireplaces and make sure it works. We close at 5pm…it is now 4.35 and I have to go out for dinner by 6.15pm but hang on I’m on my way.

I jump in to the car and assume the Formula 1 racing position and off I go weaving in and out of traffic. What was that Flash? Not Photo Radar surely? Hell, I’m only doing 90km/hr and I’m on a 4 lane  highway! Oops, that sign says this is a 70km/hr zone.  I’m going to  protest, it wasn’t me, maybe the licence plate is dirty, no way I’m paying $275.  With the remote, a service call and a ticket I’m now up to $621 to replace a $19.95 thermostat and my fireplace still doesn’t work.

I turn in to the parking lot at 4.55pm with smoke coming from all four wheels and race in to the store.

I say to the clerk I want to see exactly what he is doing so I lie down on my stomach in the middle of the showroom and assume the cobra postion and watch. First he turns on the pilot. Check.

Hey, hold it , what did you just do? He looks at me and says “once you have the pilot light going you have to turn on the gas!”

Regards,

Bill Meder