Don't slip on the ice

Dear Jim:

So Sally slipped on the ice, broke her arm near her shoulder, lay in the parking lot for 45 minutes in the pouring rain waiting for the Ambulance. Really inconvenient as it was on Friday night during rush hour and I was already home. Had to drive in heavy traffic.

And, her coat and suede pants were ruined, and I don’t want to tell you about the blouse they cut off of her at the hospital. I will replace all those items at XMAS.

At any rate, please don’t think I am insensitive to poor little Sally who couldn’t get a cast because the break was so high on her arm and has to wait 6-8 weeks with no support for it to heal. I mean lots of people don’t pay attention to ice underfoot and slip and break things, right?

I’m learning a lot about one armed wives.

If you were trying to sell one in a third world country, you wouldn’t get any takers for sure. They really are quite useless and if they are moaning and groaning a lot, they are annoying as well. However, we have to do what we have to do and although she is struggling to do her chores and make me happy, for my part I’m going to be very tolerant of substandard performance.

As you know I am a lousy care giver.

I have always been a net receiver of services and never bothered to learn how to do anything.

If I lived alone, I would never make my bed. Who cares? Discussions on this subject are on-going.

Yes, I can order in a pre-done dinner and warm up the oven to 350 degrees like nobodies’ business. I also can serve it and now that I know you can’t cut food with one hand, I am only buying soft squishy stuff suitable for a single fork or spoon. Feeding problem solved. Except I’m not good at vegetables and fruit so there is a danger that Sally will develop scurvy over the longer term. One day at a time.

Helping with dressing etc. is a bigger problem. When I was a highly motivated teenager, I didn’t have the ability to unhook all those items of clothing that women wear. Now with my motor skills completely gone I have turned getting ready for bed in to a marathon event. My swearing skills are getting better with new phrases popping up daily.

Because there is no cast, I have to be careful not to move her arm as I move around. Gentle doesn’t work for me and it is amazing how easy it is to forget which arm is broken. In fact, I doubt whether we have made any progress in healing this first week.

The next 8 weeks promises to be the ultimate test for both of us. Luckily, I can get out of the house and will leave at 5.30 am and return at 6.pm. Sally is trapped and this isn’t going to be a great spring. At least Sally can look forward to lots of physio when the weather gets better.

Thanks to all my friends for their suggestions. I think getting her a snow blower since she can’t shovel was the best idea I received.

I will keep you posted

Bill Meder

Billmeder.blogspot.com

WHAT?

Dear Jim:

I assume you are still 5 years older than me and yet  you have never warned me about the “What?” faze of getting older.

Have you not noticed amongst our peers that every conversation begins with a negotiation of “what” is being said?

This applies to those with or without hearing aids.

Here are a couple of absolute true examples that explain what I mean.

“Did you buy any stocks”

No, I don’t need socks

I said STOCKS

Oh, they will all come back”

“Here is a dog you can get that is 8.

The dog has AIDS?

No, it is 8 years old.

Who would want an 8-year-old dog with AIDS?”

And further

“You can get the dog at the Marche

Where is that?

It is on Brunswick

I’m not going to New Brunswick to get a dog.”

So, now I am part of the gang. It seems that whenever anyone addresses me the first thing, I say is “What?”. I have no trouble carrying on the conversation once I know what we are talking about. It works the other way as well and the confirmation of what is being said needs to happen before either of us continue.

It is very tiring to have a multi-subject conversation in a restaurant for example when 4 people are all shouting “what?” every time a new thread begins.

I’m not sure how to deal with this as it is only recently that I have noticed this phenomenon. I’m going to monitor my experiences for a while and if necessary, I’m going to change my friends and acquaintances. There is no way I’m going to get a hearing aid!!

I will let you know what model they recommend.

Bill Meder

Billmeder.blogspot.com

Free at Last

"Free at last, free at last, thank God almighty I’m free at last."

Many people think Martin Luther King created this statement. In fact his writers stole it from golfers, with handicaps of 18 or more, who scream this refrain as they clean out their lockers at the end of every season.

I peaked mid July when I pared two holes in a row for the first time in two years. From there each game became worse than the last and I was able to add 3 strokes to my handicap. I won’t tell you what it is as the season comes to an end  but most millennials don’t get married until they reach this age.

I tried a few new things and learned a bit as well.

A big innovation for me was to equip my clubs with a tracking system attached to my IPHONE that gave me the distance of every club in the bag and averaged the results over the past 40 games.

The results were very interesting.

My Driver, 4 wood, 5 wood, 7 wood, 4 hybrid, and 6 hybrid all go 171-173 yards on average.

My Pitching wedge, Sand wedge, Gap Wedge and Lob wedge all go 60-62 yards.

My 7 iron and 9 iron both go 130 yards and my 8 iron didn’t register because most of the shots I hit with it went in the water.

So the take home from this effort is to stop using the system. I am removing all hardware and software and next year will carry 4 clubs. No bag and no cart, just carry them loose in my hand. Very easy and much less expensive than cart rentals.

I bought 4 dozen golf balls at the beginning  of the season and only lost 1. Not counting the 47 that I put in the water. I couldn’t hit it far enough to lose sight of and always saw where it landed and ended up resting after I hit it regardless of the club. So next year I’m going to buy 1 good ball and a few dozen from Costco for water holes.

I used to start counting down the holes left to play around number 13. This year I was quietly hoping someone would hurt themselves after 9 so we could quit then. Next year we can use our phones for texting and such and hopefully that will provide entertainment during the last few holes.

Jim, if any of your friends who are not golfers are reading this, here is a safety tip. If anyone pretending to be your friend suggests that you take up the game you need to terminate that friendship immediately. They are trying to make you miserable for a significant portion of your remaining life, and can’t be trusted!

At any rate, I’m looking forward to next spring to see if I’m alive, and if so will I ever break 90 again.

Have a great winter in Florida. Sorry you have to continue golfing.

 

Regards,

Bill 

(514) 992-2916

The long days of Summer

Dear Jim: The long days of summer.

All winter long people were screaming about how great it would be when summer comes.

Since I live indoors, winter has never bothered me. In fact since there is nothing to do except watch Netflix by the hour and maybe read a book and catch a snooze in front of the fireplace I find I enjoy a perfectly relaxed life from November to May.

So here I find myself hopping from foot to foot as I deal with the guilt and stress of not maximizing every bloody hour of every half decent day.

The Sun might be coming out.

Have to play golf. I’ll try and book for a time that has rain forecasted so it might get cancelled. Or we can quit if it starts to rain.

Get the bikes ready. Now I have to go on a bike ride. Pick a time with no traffic….say 5.30 am. Oh goody goody. Have to do it. Been waiting all winter for this.

There are dandelions in the front lawn..get the speedy weedy and start working.

 And what about the grass in the Pavi-Unis and while you are at it we need a new hose and go Canadian Tire and get all these tools and stuff you can’t even pronounce for home maintenance. The clerks are getting very familiar. (One asked me out for dinner).

All those flowers need water. EVERY day and sometimes twice a day. Shouldn’t take more that 45 minutes to handle and don’t forget to roll up the two 100 foot hoses when you are done. And hurry up because we have to rip them all out in a couple of months and we need to enjoy every minute.

Who are all those people. Spraying for spiders, then a new team for wasps and then another group for grubs lets get that fertilizer spread quickly and then the window washer and lets not forget the army of gardeners’. Do they have to be here every day…who knew?

And get the umbrellas up and get them down the wind is increasing. And bring those 29 cushions in the house. It’s going to rain. Now get them out the deck looks terrible.

Sweep the garage and power hose everything in sight. Keep going…you won’t be deaf from the noise of that machine.

You aren’t using the pool often enough! Get the temperature up to 85 degrees F and I will consider it. I don’t like being wet. You have to swim. It’s good for you.

Can I watch TV now? Nope the sun is still out. Go for a walk. I don’t like walking. Do I have to log 3 or 4 miles every day? .

Stop sitting around and get outside. Its lovely.

And on it goes. My instruction buffers are overflowing.

I have to say that between the guilt of not doing everything available in the summer and the stress of taking a brief break to do nothing, summer sucks!

Lets hope for snow in November.

Bill Meder

Billmeder.blogspot.com

I've Got It!!

Who knew that it would take 30+ years before I could say, “ I’ve got it”.

This week I played and everything you would want to be right was fantastic. Every shot was long and straight. Every club in the bag was flawless, smooth and crisp. Chipping was worthy of filming if anyone had been around and putting? Forget the 3-putt and call me mister 1 putt!!

Now I did quit after 11 holes because it looked like it might rain so I can’ t say what a fantastic score I would have achieved. Didn’t matter.

Now I know how it feels. I know how to address the ball and initiate that beautiful full swing.  Don’t worry about giving me any short putts..there won’t be any…the first putt will be in the hole!

Wholly Molly I am excited.

Going forward the cry “Golf is my Life” will be on my lips every day.

Now I promise I  am not going to insult you by having some cliché OOPS moment next time out and crying boo- hoo it is all over. No way. This is real and permanent.

I’ve got it and it is here to stay! 

I feel so good I can barely stand it.

I will keep you posted.

Bill Meder