Dear Jim: XMAS 2024

 Dear Jim: Another crummy XMAS done with.

 

I was expecting some sign from you, having a NUN for a sister and all that time you spent at Church but…Crickets…

 

The California gang stayed away. They are too smart for this. The Montreal Contingent  showed up for Dinner on XMAS day.  Only 9 people but felt like 19. Ages 4 to 93. Great conversation all around.

 

Sally spent 3 days preparing the dinner. It was gone in 8 minutes. I took the power hose out of the garage and cleaned the kitchen for 3 hours.

I thanked everyone for coming to the last family dinner at our house. (They missed the subtlety). And when they left Sally, and I shouted at the retreating cars “Never again”.

Sally retreated to the bedroom where she remains, now 2 days later. She should recover in a week or so. If she stays sick, I hope she can drive so that she can head to Emergency for tests.

 

I gave Sally a new Furnace and Heat Pump for XMAS. Ours bit the dust Xmas eve. Fortunately, we have two and now we have one half the house a sauna and the other requires ski jackets and gloves. The cat is having a nervous breakdown.

 

She gave me a new Wall Oven that apparently any Bozo can run. Turns out none of the Bozo’s in our family could figure it out and a rather cold dinner was finally served close to my bedtime. We broke a few accessories and now I am on hold putting in a service call.

 

I reminded Sally that this was a very special XMAS for her. I got her a new basement floor, new stairs, new furnace and heat pump, fixed the many scrapes on her car, almost a new painting and carpet for the living room. What more could she ask for? I’m waiting to find out. Her Birthday is coming Jan 12. Pressure.

 

At any rate, boring is not a strong enough word I find. Time with Family is highly overrated. I spent yesterday searching for a Barbados rental for two next year...and we won’t be telling anyone where we are as an XMAS surprise.

 

At any rate I hope you had a good time and maybe you could make our lights flicker or something to let me know that you are feeling my pain.

 

All the best

 

 

Bill Meder

Dear Jim: Do they use the term "Shit Show" where you are?

 Dear Jim: Is the term “Shit Show” used up there?

 

People ask me how I am. I usually say, great thanks. Let me fill you in on the last 10 days.

 

It all started with a Biblical rainstorm.

 On the way home I hit a pothole and blew a $963 tire and damaged the rim. Ok, it happens!

Next morning I go to our gym in the basement and notice a little puddle in the middle of the floor. Now how did that water get there. No clues.

I called a contractor who came and began drilling holes in our beautiful basement floor to see where the water was. None…now I have holes everywhere on the new segment of the basement.

 Hang on, here is some water in this obscure room discovered when another hole was cut. Ok rip out that half of the finished basement. And what about that crack  in the foundation. Goody goody…tear down the wall and expose the concrete.

Now the basement resembles the effect of a tactical nuclear device.

The contractor says, “thank goodness for insurance” rubbing his hands together.

Nope, policy specifically omits water and wind since I had a claim 7 years ago.

 

My son, his wife and their daughter come for a visit while this is all going on.

Day one, direct flight from LA is cancelled, rebooked the next day via Chicago.

Next day flight delayed…result bags didn’t make it.

I give them the Tesla to go and visit friends in Owl’s head. The twelve-volt Battery dies. I go to Tesla to arrange service.

Our warranty expired August 23.

Now I must have a flatbed truck go to Owl’s head to pick up the car and bring it to Quebec City or Montreal.

 Son takes a day and finds and fixes the battery problem. Two days of their visit kaput!

 

Sally has eye surgery scheduled at 11 am in Chateguay on Monday. Don’t ask why Chateguay. I take off Monday morning to drive her to places I have never seen in my life and after driving down a dirt road come across the clinic where a surgeon nick named “OOPS” by her nurses performs. Park and go to check in.

Ten Indians all squinting, are waiting their turn. The receptionist says Hmmmm we don’t have you scheduled in fact we have no record of you.

Lovely drive back home and Sally remembers another eye clinic in Pointe Claire. Maybe that one?! So, I drive there and sure enough they have a requisition that Sally brings out to the car. Unfortunately, this was for a procedure 6 months ago. They don’t do cataracts.

Back home.  Oh well a half blind wife is better than no wife. I will make do.

 

Meanwhile back at the ranch I have arranged to borrow a car as our marriage contract has wheels for Sally 7/24 365 days per year. As I’m waiting to be picked up the owner leaving her driveway rips the front bumper off her car. So, Billy has no wheels.

 

I don’t want to bore you Jim , but would you please register these 10 days with your superiors up there wherever you are and ask them to open a file called “Shit Show”. No more of these please.

 

 

Bill Meder

Dear Jim: I need your help.








Well, Jimbo a big birthday today. Getting closer to being able to shoot my age in golf!

I wanted to ask you if you ever get to see the golf god’s department up there.

I have a question for them.



When they suddenly take away 20 yards of distance from each of your clubs without notice is there a ceremony?

Do they issue a certificate or are they just fooling around and springing it on unsuspecting goof balls who can’t understand what happened? Must be a sport for them!

Let me know what you can find out and tell them I am going to raise hell when I get there.



The very first game of golf I played in 1980 I shot 111. Now, 2000 games and thousands of dollars of lessons, golf schools and practice sessions, 44 years later, I shoot 111.

Who dreams up a sport like this?

This is a waste of a lifetime. No?

Oh yes, forgive me, I forgot.

It is so nice to be outside and enjoy the weather and the friends, blah, blah, blah.

Couldn’t someone have issued safety warnings in my 30’s about this?



At any rate, my short game now begins with the 3 wood. My pitches could be considered for a comedy routine and my sand game…oh boy, my sand game! I did get out once in the past 11 games. I sculled it beautifully and it went 30 yards past the green, but I was out. Other than that, after lessons from pros and frustrated playing mates I can move the ball 2 feet or so. Much better than not moving it at all but murder in a large trap.



I am now keeping score in my head. I only must multiply the number of holes by 7. Easy because I’m only taking 7’s before I pick up on the par 4’s, 8 on the par 5’s and 6 on the par 3’s.



I am losing 6-12 balls per round on the Blue course because I am stubborn and extremely stupid. I can get over the water from here...yes I can, yes I can, oops, crap, I have to get another ball.

I have a spot on 14 Blue where I hit my drive into the water every time, I tee it up. This has only been going on for 3 years and like Lucy pulling the ball away from Charlie Brown I keep going for it.

A 6-foot circle marks the spot and even if I aim to the right trees, it goes straight as an arrow to the left water beside the red stake…no I’m not exaggerating. When I hit, my partners don’t even look. They just shout “water!!” and carry on ignoring me.



My next stop is Costco to buy Kirkland golf balls at $2 each and keep my Pro V1’s in my closet at home. That way they may last me the season.



So, if you have any clout with the management where you are, please tell them that I am ready.

Take me now...please.



Bill Meder

Billmeder.blogspot.com

Dear Jim: The hearing aids you never wore!!

 Dear Jim: 

 

I remember well in those final years how you didn’t hear or understand most of what I had to say but it never bothered me. I was able to repeat my stories over and over and you were always entertained.

 

Recently, I had a wake-up call, orchestrated by Sally that suggested I might require an assist with my hearing.

Over dinner she had said “Louise went out for dinner” and I replied, “She went to Greece?

Now I thought it was an honest mistake since, as usual. I wasn’t paying much attention, but the subsequent conversation sent me off to get hearing aids.

 

I did a complete survey of all the old geezers I know who have struggled with their hearing and received absolutely no information that was at all useful. Seems there are dozens of models, manufacturers, and theories about what is the best solution.

 

Some people who haven’t understood a word I have said to them for years swore up and down that their approach was the best.

 

Ok, off I went and after an intensive process I walked out with $8000 devices that were going to change my life. The only change I’ve noticed so far is that I have less money in my account than I did before.  

I was told I could return them for full refund in 30 days. (I am checking off my calendar every morning, so I don’t miss the deadline.)

 

First, you must promise that for the first 2 weeks you will wear them for at least 5 hours per day. That probably doesn’t seem like a long time. Right?

 

 Have you ever watched a clock for 5 hours. It is forever!

When the 4hr and 59-minute mark arrives, I can’t rip those suckers out of my ears fast enough.

 

I thought noisy restaurants or gatherings were the perfect venue for me as I do have trouble sometimes.

 

Nope, if I had read the instructions, I would have noted that “do not use in noisy environments” means everywhere that I would like to have clear input.

 

The first night I went out for dinner I felt like I was in an orchestra pit with the waiters’ playing cymbals and the other patrons randomly screaming and yelling while they banged their plates with knives and forks.  

 

My head was vibrating for hours.  I’m not sure there isn’t permanent damage.

They claim there is a setting that blocks out background noise. They don’t tell you it blocks out all noise and you are essentially deaf. 

 

 I know, I know you are thinking why not just take them out. Well, you must keep them in a special case which I have difficulty remembering to bring with me, so I have nowhere to keep them.

 

Here is the summary.

 No good in noisy settings restaurants, meetings, parties.

Don’t need them one on one.

Don’t need them on the phone, just turn up the volume a tad.

Turn the TV up a bit and there is no problem.

Driving doesn’t require anything.

Sally sounds twice as loud over dinner. Not necessarily a plus.

 

True enough I do hear noises that were not apparent to me before. For example, any flowing water from any source makes me think I’m in a Maid of the Mist tour of Niagara Falls. Every creak of my car's suspension makes me think I’m driving a 1963 Russian Lada. I can hear the squeaking of my cords as I walk.

 

 In other words, all the things I couldn’t hear before and have no interest in hearing now!!

 

I have only finished week one and I will keep going until 30 days are up for sure just in case there is a magic moment coming up.

 

The purpose of this note is a warning that if you see me this summer and I don’t respond to you when you say something, please don’t take it personally. I will be doing my best!

 

Bill Meder

 

Billmeder.blogspot.com

 Dear Jim: A Barbados holiday

Dear Jim:

 

Safety tips if you are thinking of  driving in Barbados.

 

Hi there Jimbo, I have evidence that you are watching over me. Thank you.

 

On our recent trip to Barbados, I decided to rent a car rather than taking Taxis. This, even though as you know I probably shouldn’t be driving at home let alone in a strange place.

 

I cleverly calculated that I could save $8 USD by renting rather than take a Taxi to the west coast to do a few things and visit friends over a two-day period.

 

Many years ago, we always rented in Barbados, and I drove everywhere at high speed on the wrong side of the road. Oh sure, there were many close calls especially during the times when I was drinking and driving at night in the rain, but no one died.

 

You know I have a fabulous memory, especially for long ago. I knew my way about the roundabouts and all the little, short cuts in my head as we set off from our hotel. Unfortunately, the people living there have been building and rerouting and adding all kinds of stuff. I didn’t recognize a single landmark!  I had also forgotten that my eye-hand coordination is no longer coordinating, especially at high speed.

 

Good thing Barbados is an island so, when you see a sign that says “Guadeloupe” straight ahead you know you are on the wrong road, and you can quickly recover.

 

My adjustment to driving on the wrong side of the road was not great either and I went off the road a bit where I scraped my front tire and mayber the front fender and bumper. I later claimed it was a hit and run in the parking lot as I didn’t want to embarrass myself. The damage couldn’t be hidden and I’m waiting for the Rental Company to have a hissy fit about the cost to repair.

 

Waze said we were 37 minutes from our destination and an hour and half later we arrived in Holetown. Parking was packed but we left the car. I should have taken a picture of it before we left for the shops as it was very hard to find later.

 

On the way back to the hotel on Day 1 we missed the roundabout to the ocean road. They are clever little devils. On one side the Roundabout says Grahame Hall and on the other side Errol Barrow. At any rate we missed all four times we headed home. BTW, Wives shouldn’t be allowed to criticize a driver in motion is all I can say. Very off-putting.

 

On day two,after a great visit to our friend’s spectacular home, we took off to have dinner with them at the Cliff. Sally in his car and his wife in mine in case we got lost. Unfortunately, thinking I was signalling a turn I hit the windshield wiper button and since the wiper was shredded it smeared goop all over the windshield making it impossible, yes impossible to see. There are no lights on the highway and the oncoming headlights are blinding enough as it is.  

My friend insisted we pull over and get a taxi, but I couldn’t make out what she was saying in between the shrieks of terror after one close call after another. By the time we got to the restaurant she was still shaking and immediately ordered a martini. I fortunately had a change of underwear in the car.

 

When we left in the dark and headed home to our hotel, I assumed we would probably die that night.

I would have left the car, but I wouldn’t have known how to describe where it was. Finally, we arrived at the hotel, parked the car, and left the keys at the front desk. I immediately cancelled my credit card and moved our room so I couldn’t be found. My $8 savings is now around $1000 extra. Hopefully.

 

Never again! First, I doubt they will rent to me.

Second, the police have a picture of us and have instructions to stop on sight.

For all those Barbarians who were traumatized by our two-day reign of terror all over the island I apologize.

 

 

 

Bill Meder

 

Regards,

Bill