Dear Jim: Rules of Engagement

 Dear Jim: Rules of Engagement



After much reflection I think we should establish the protocol  for our regular games. I detect some angst around the subjects of conversation before, during and after the game. 

I propose the following for consideration. 

No mention of the stock market, individual stocks, ups and downs. 

Included is the  failure to recognize the worries of those less fortunate who may be experiencing large losses, or extreme happiness at a bluebird that arrives during the game via Yahoo or reflection on some position that has turned out well. No checking of market performance during the game. 

If someone is "on" and hitting great shot after great shot it isn't necessary to say "great shot "after every hit for 18 holes.

 A maximum of 3 "great shots" per player per round is sufficient. Same for "nice putt".

Gossip is only permitted if all three of us know the target and don't like them. This is best used before or after the game but in case we are backed up it can be used to pass the time between holes.

It is clear no one cares about the other person's game. This includes the current game and/or  any reminiscence of previous games. 

Also, it isn't necessary to say " I topped it, I sculled it, I didn't get under it, I sliced it, I hooked it, oh boy etc etc etc. 

We all saw the shot and no description of the boo boo is necessary. 

If we agree to speak only when spoken too,the silence could be offputting. 

I reserve the right to speak when I feel like it and by not responding in anyway this will be the signal to be quiet. I will do my best.

Hitting out of turn will be be frowned upon unless the person who is away is needlessly fucking around with his bag, club selection or just taking too long in the loo.

It is acknowledged that driving ahead of the person hitting next, although annoying, is a mental issue that may require treatment. We will see how this progresses through the season. 

Restaurants,  dining experience, trips, past or upcoming, weather, wind, cart performance or personal compliments are all fair conversation at any time. 

I hope this clarification will improve our wonderful experience every tuesday and thursday. Any additions or deletions are accepted of course in the spirit of unity. 

See you all on tuesday

 

 

Dear Jim: As the days dwindle down the time machine is speeding up

 

Dear Jim:

Someone has put a speed chip into the time machine.

I just woke up to realize that it is going to be August 1 any minute now. How did that happen?

During the winter every day seemed like a week, and we could hardly wait for summer. Along comes June…cold, rainy and there goes July, hot hot. In the blink of an eye.

 

You do know that the leaves start to change in three weeks! I know, I know Sept and Oct can be great but at the speed we are going it will be November in a minute and it all starts again.

 

I have started to realize that this faster cycle is causing non fixable changes to my quality of life.

 

I am now going to go for a year-to-year car rental. How can I buy a car that may last seven or so years?

 I have passengers who don’t think I should be driving now. What are the odds that I should be driving six or seven years from now?

It wasn't long ago that I would have breakfast meetings  at the Ritz at 7am followed by a second one at 8. I now have trouble making an 8 am zoom call from home usually with my face blurred to hide my, deer caught in the headlights, look I sport at that time of day.

 

I used to go to bed at 11 pm and up and at’em at 7 am or earlier. No more.

In the winter it is pitch black out at 4 pm so I don’t feel guilty going up to bed at 8 pm..lights out at 9. In the summer I feel guilty doing that so we put in black out blinds so we can pretend it is late while the whole neighbourhood is walking up and down the road long after we are gone to the world.

 

I used to do fifty things a day.

Now, by noon the most I can say is I went to the bank or went and bought a take- out dinner.

Don’t know why it took me all morning. No rational explanation so don’t ask what is taking so long.

 

I would get out of bed at 7 am to take an 8 am flight to Toronto.  Now I have to get up at 5.30 am to make a 9.30 tee time at the golf club. No explanation makes sense.

 

I used to walk up and down the stairs with a coffee cup in one hand and my iPad in the other. I noticed the other day that I now grab the banister with both hands going up or down. Didn’t even see it coming.

 

When I was drinking it was normal to be   a little bit unsteady at the end of the night.

Now I wobble every time I get up after sitting for 15 minutes. And when did the dizziness start when I make a fast move. Don’t know. Just began….

 

My hearing may be getting weaker. I have always been good at ignoring instructions but now I don’t seem to catch all the tidbits that I’m interested in hearing. I nod as if I got it…getting good at faking it.

I have closed captions on all my TV shows and love reading the Netflix movies when we watch TV. The sound is so high that we haven’t had any wildlife within 300 yards of the house this year.

People close to me seem to be shouting most of the time or this just my imagination?

 

I didn’t swim when the pool was heated to 70 degrees F and now, I don’t swim when it is set at 90 degrees.

 

You get the picture; nothing is the same and certainly not going to get any better. The slow downhill slide seems to have picked up speed. This isn’t going to end well….

 

 

Bill Meder

Dear Jim: Ok, I got the message

 Dear Jim: 

 

I know I told you to send me a sign when you arrived to wherever you are. I didn’t mean you had to get into my golf swing and start messing with it as a sign that you were connected with me.

 

I have never hit a shank in golf in my life and yesterday I didn’t hit anything else for an hour.

I tried everything and couldn’t fix it until finally I said to myself...” It’s Jim” just letting me know!

 

I went out today and sure enough everything was back to normal.

 

 Ok then, I confirm we are now connected…no more signs S.V.P

 

And by the way it was a nice touch making me “co-executor” of your estate, instead of “one of” the executors. This way I get to sign every document, approve every action, and learn first-hand the probate procedures in Ontario, Nova Scotia and Florida combined with my now useless knowledge of Quebec rules and procedures.

You did know you live in a different province than me…right?

 

Who knew I would be getting to meet a whole raft of new legal friends and banking acquaintances with “yes, but” following every question or suggestion I make?

 I had wondered what I was going to do in my spare time this year and you single handidly solved that problem for me with the little “Co” addition to your will. Nice touch…I’ll bet you did that on purpose. That’s what friends are for.

 

It was also a nice addition to see that you had ignored all my suggestions earlier this year about winding up your company and selling your vacation home in Antigonish. This allows me to dig deep into the tax consequences in three provinces and two countries. Hells bells, I am going to be an expert before this is done and can probably get consulting gigs.

 

And finally, when I asked you to get rid of all those joint accounts it must have been after you lost your hearing, and now I get to watch your money grow all over the banking system for the many months I will spend getting those accounts closed.

 

I have always said you were a special friend and you have come through with an exclamation point! For certain I'm not going to forget you any time soon.

 

Enjoy yourself, you have a front row seat.

 

 

Bill Meder

 Dear Jim: Watch out for this.

Dear Jim:

 

Well for some unknown reason (perhaps a complaint from some neighbourhood-watch do- gooder) the government has asked me to get my Optometrist and Doctor to verify that I am able to drive safely.

The Optometrist was no problem although he didn’t ask about eye-hand coordination where I don’t even register on whatever scale you might want to choose. His bad! Passed with colours.

 

The doctor was another story.

 

He had a 4-page questionnaire that had to be filled out in detail.

 

When he called me to do the form, I was driving 120 km/hr on the highway with noisy slush splashing all over the place.  I also had my cell phone in my hand so I could hear everything.

 

As a result, his first question “how is your hearing” was impossible to hear.

 “I said I beg your pardon. “He laughed thinking I had made a joke. At that point I still didn’t know the question, so I just said “perfect”. “Good” he says.

 

Next, he asked if I ever get dizzy. Are you kidding, dizzy is my middle name. What a question. I said, “when I get up quickly, I feel dizzy.” Oh, he says what are you doing about that.

“I don’t get up quickly and try and stay on my feet all day”. Seemed happy with that.

 

Do you ever feel like going to sleep while you are driving?

Oh boy. I said “not often but I have a safety trick. after 2 pm I drive with my left elbow on my left knee and my hand on the wheel. When I fall asleep my arm drops and I wake up.” He wasn’t as impressed with my response as I thought he should be.

 

“Do you find yourself going through stop signs?”.

Now I don’t want to lie. I have been going through stop signs all my life. For goodness sakes there is one at every intersection on the planet. I have treated  a stop sign as more a suggestion than a mandatory obligation.

 He didn’t say “more than usual” so I answered no.

 

Same thing with traffic lights. Now I have sailed through the odd red light, but I haven’t killed anyone so it’s no biggie.

 

Do you have difficulty driving in the rain and/or at night? Now you got me there. I can’t see anything after sundown. Driving in Barbados at night on narrow roads with no sidewalks I would often arrive back at my hotel with purses, watches and the odd hat hanging off the side mirrors.

 

This is a dangerous process. With the stroke of a pen, I could be banned from driving. It was clear to me from my answers that I shouldn’t have been driving for the past 5 years.

I picked up the form from his office and saw all kinds of personal medical information on the form that I didn’t think he needed to provide. It looked like I wouldn’t even be here when my licence comes up for renewal.

I hope they improve the UBER service on the West Island.

 

I thought you should know about this process and treat it seriously.

 

 

Bill Meder

514 992 2916

Dear Jim: Birthdays

 Dear Jim: 

 

Well Sally has just had a birthday and now that we are both in our 70’s we have decided that there will be no more celebrations or acknowledgements of the passing of time going forward.

 

Gifts of course are a complete waste of time and money as by now everyone has everything they could ever have wanted and cards and wrapping etc. are useless activities.

So, I have decided....kill the gifts.

 

Flowers are the worst because you never know what to order and some arrangement arrives at a time when no one is home, and they are dead in two days. Who thought of that idea? Doomed as a business model, I’m sure.

 

 Please remove our names from your reminder file to send a card, a call or a Facebook posting congratulating us on a birthday and don’t ever ask us again how old we are.

 

It turns out that many people, including me, don’t really like old people.

 

Did you ever notice that when someone tells you their age your first response is “well, you sure don’t look it!”

 

Well actually they look 5-10 years older than they just told you, but I learned the hard way that that isn’t what they wanted to hear.

 

If the person talking to you is younger, they are thinking. “Oh Boy is that what I have to look forward to?”

They then say “let’s get together sometime” which is code for we will never see you again.

 

So, it is agreed then. No more references to age or birthdays. Violations of this edict will result in permanent removal from “the list”.

 

Medical reports which form the majority of conversations between our people are  of course strongly encouraged as without that subject, other than the latest Netflix special, there is nothing much to talk about.

 

The exception of course is grandchildren which is boring to most men, but the ladies seem to love every picture, Instagram, Facebook and story about the little buggers. If you aren’t careful you might fall asleep at dinner or this could cause an early death due to boredom.

 

Getting prepared for the final push requires new thinking and although I am meeting some resistance, I think I have it all figured out.

 

Talk soon.

 

Bill Meder

Billmeder.blogspot.com

 

Regards,

Bill 

(514) 992-2916