A quick update

Dear Jim: A quick update

When I wrote you last week about my busy schedule, I had no idea that everyone I know is in the same boat. I have never had such a response. Some even suggested that they were busier than me!! Not to be outdone I have added a couple of minor items that pale into insignificance in the overall scheme of things but on their own are important.

Seems when I get up quickly, I get dizzy and almost faint. The cure according to my dizziness specialist. Get up slowly!

Well Ok then. If the fire alarm goes off while we are sleeping, my wife will have a two-minute head start to escape the flames while I am slowly but surely rising to avoid any light headiness. I sure hate to give up that advantage.

I forgot to mention that each of my specialty dramas obviously involves intensive internet work. I now log four or five hours a day on the deep web and have joined many hospital programs in the USA online.

I like to arrive at an appointment understanding all the symptoms and have a plan to recommend to the doctor going forward.

 I usually come armed with graphs, detail charts of daily behaviour and a list of possible causes, side effects and case studies.

In this way I can save a lot of time by telling him everything he should know before he has to bother talking to me.

When I tell him what we are going to do as a next step he knows he isn’t dealing with a kook and we can debate the cause and effect of certain behaviours and remedies like two colleagues. All he has to do is write out the prescriptions that I recommend and off I go.

Because of the number of specialists, I am now dealing with I have become quite an expert in several fields.

I am actually considering writing the exams for my medical licence in January. I really think I could pass on the first try.

 I haven’t decided yet on my field of practice but I’m leaning towards becoming an internist.

Since everything that is screwed up is out of sight, if you mess up you can just blame a different specialist who obviously missed the obvious.

I was thinking also of Plastic Surgery, but my hands shake for no apparent reason from time to time and that may cause my insurance premiums to be outrageously high.  Also, I don’t like blood.

At any rate I am currently the worlds foremost authority on most major and many minor diseases and afflictions with new skills being developed on a monthly basis. My biggest problem now is answering “How are you doing” in a reasonable amount of time. I also consult on an unwanted and unofficial basis with anyone who mentions some trivial medical condition.

I also know the parking rules in several major hospitals and clinics, private and public in the greater Montreal area. These are not skills that are normally appreciated but believe me this information is pure gold. All the machines are different, and the pay stations are hidden in the strangest places.

Just to be clear. I look like I’m in perfect condition and I am not surprised when people applaud when I enter a room.

 All these parts that are failing or about to fail are just a result of not getting that extended warranty when I had a chance. No one can see the carnage and I’m going to fake it as long as possible. Really, I’m fine.

I told my friends last week that I hope I die before this stuff kills me. They found that amusing, but it makes a lot of sense… no?

Will keep you posted.

Bill Meder

billmeder.blogspot.com

Don't worry about keeping busy when you retire.

Dear Jim: Don’t worry about being busy as you get older!!

People are often saying “what will I do when I’m not working, retired etc.

Well if you haven’t gotten there yet, fear not. You will be busy beyond description,

The first step is to make sure you have a  GP doctor. Think of him as an orchestra leader and all the instruments are the countless specialists scattered around the city.

First up is the blood test. This is generally all your GP does for you. Early on everything will be in range and you will feel proud of the fact you aren’t taking pills like those other unhealthy friends of yours.

One day however, some reading will have gotten lower or higher and the GP will begin the never-ending process that will solve your problem of how to fill a day.

With requisition in hand and picking from an outdated list of specialists within a 100-mile radius you will have to fax it to somewhere to begin the process of getting that first appointment. Now the only people using Fax in this day and age are doctors and hospital workers. So, a trip to Bureau en Gros to send your Fax will take a couple of hours right there.

After the fax is sent you can wait for a few weeks, checking your answer machine wondering when you will hear. Nothing?  Next step is to call the specialist.

Now they have been trained not to answer the phone but you won’t know this right away so this will take another couple of days. Finally, you will get into your car and drive to the specialist’s office to ask what is what.

“Fax? Nope, never got a Fax from you. When did you send it? Well we don’t have it.”

So, now you have added a few weeks to the process, but you have hand delivered your requisition. They will get back to you shortly with an appointment. Right.

So, now you have your appointment and you show up on time. The waiting room is full even though you booked the earliest appointment on the one day of the week the doctor sees patients. This is sport for the receptionist who will tell you 45 minutes after your scheduled appointment that the Doc isn’t in yet, had an emergency, went for a haircut or whatever. So, you get to burn a complete morning. Not bad.

Now the specialist can’t do anything right away. He will shake your hand and you will tell your friends you have the top man in his field. (I haven’t found anyone who says “ I didn’t get the top guy but I think he is in the top 10) He has a whole bunch of his own tests that he likes you to do and he gives you the referrals for all of them. This is great, because now you are on a program with things to do every day between booking, taking and then waiting for test results

Now the specialist needs to see you again to ..oo and ah… over the results. More tests are possible with the really good Docs, so you get to repeat the steps above. Eventually you have a program and usually some new pills. Some will make things go down and others will make them go up. The fun is now you have something to anticipate as you wait for the next round.

Back to your GP for monitoring and sure enough it won’t be long before a new anomaly will show up and you can begin the entire process as above.

This is great because there is no end to this procedure.

And finally, your big task will be sorting all the pills that look the same to make sure you are not missing the morning or evening doses. You should buy new glasses for this exercise to be precise because the shapes, colours and sizes are scientifically calibrated to make this a skill equivalent to doing crossword puzzles to keep your brain sharp. (If you happen to spill the pill box, forget it. Throw them all out and start over)

So, there you have it. You will be busy all the time. Nothing will be permanently fixed, just controlled for a while, downhill all the way but you won’t wonder what to do with yourself. If for any reason of great genes or lifestyle you are late in starting this process you can accompany your partner to all the meetings described here and it will be a nice bonding exercise for you both.

Oh, and by the way if you have any major parts that need replacement you can burn up months at a time and have great stories to tell when people ask, “how are you?” (and in case you are naïve … nobody cares!

Finally, if you are looking for some fill ins. Getting a tooth implant can burn up an entire year. So, keep that in your hip pocket if you get bored.

Sincerely

Billmeder.blogspot.com

That's All Folks

Dear Jim:

Well it has been a week since our two-day Centennial golf event, and I guess I’m now coherent enough to drop you a note. As you know I have been on the winning team twice, come second and third once and usually won a boatload of money each year with my team of 20 years or so.

This year, after explaining to each other all our pains and deteriorating body parts, teed off with great expectations.

On the first hole we were 4 over par. OK. Lots of golf to play.

Since we didn’t have any balls in the fairway for most of each hole, we drove our carts like a Moroccan car rally team. By the time we finished there was no battery life left in either cart and I vowed to wear two gloves the second day as I had blisters from making abrupt turns to avoid running in to trees and rocks.

We did have one natural par when a pebble redirected one of our putts in to the hole but other than that we played like we were firing a shot gun in to a flock of geese hoping to hit something.

At the end of day one we were 6 under par or so having given up 4 shots on the last hole. The leaders were 20- under! Just wait till tomorrow.

Day 2 arrived with temperatures over 100 degrees F and no wind. Perfect.

Our playing had deteriorated overnight, and we found ourselves   12 over par with 5 holes to play.

I looked over at my teammates. One was biting on a stick to stop from screaming out in pain every time he swung the club, I was crying, another was hitting himself with his club and I thought a broken ankle was imminent. The fourth was muttering to himself that he never played like this.

I was so hot I thought I was going to have a stroke and wondered how long it would take to turn on that cellular phone, get a signal and call for help. My big thought was wondering if the photographer had taken my picture which would serve as the last known picture of good old Bill to be shown at a celebration of life. What a great bar story. “Did you hear he died playing golf?”

At that point I decided to invoke the over 70 rule and called a team meeting.

Is anyone enjoying this?..nope.

Does anyone see any reason for continuing?…nope.

Does anyone care that we are about to lose a lot of money?...nope

 Then since we are over 70, we don’t have to do anything we don’t want to do.

 To the clubhouse at speed.

 We were the first to park our carts this year and that’s all I can say.

We left our wounded team mate to pay off our bets hoping that pity would inspire a debt forgiveness. HA!

Those vultures, with one exception took our money and ran off giggling like a bunch of 7-year-old school girls. We have kept their names and stored them in the cloud in case we ever get a chance to show our compassion to them.

As for the black-tie dinner where noise levels hit a decibel level not on any chart and you can’t have any plastic items on you since they will melt from the heat, we didn’t go.

My black-tie suit has been seized by the McCord Museum as a heritage piece and my regular suit is on loan to a bunch of clowns who jump out of a small car at summer picnics and amuse the kids. Since I don’t dance or drink or read lips trying to understand someone shouting over the racket, I have decided to declare the Centennial dinner a past memory once and for all. 

Like most things we used to do that seemed a lot of fun I fear that Centennial is over for us. If we all live another year, we may feel differently but aside from watching the young new members or the perennial sandbaggers walk off with a 40 under winning score there isn’t much hope or fun left for our team.

If you can think of some other activity that can be done without any physical skill or stamina let me know and I will make the switch before it is too late.

Sincerely

Bill Meder