Letters to Jim: The end of Florida

Dear Jim:

You asked me when I am going back to Florida. The short answer is never.

The weather once again was cold, rainy and windy for our entire stay. Oh yes I do know that It didn’t rain for three months before we came and that after we left there were record highs recorded every day. This is the same story we have heard after every trip to Florida we have taken in the past 10 years. We may be slow to catch on but when I overheard our host calling his buddy, the President of our major airline, asking him to put Sally and me on the “no fly list” for the winter months I realized that no one even wants us there in the first place.

Lots to do, right? Well off to the movies we went just like we do here. A couple of differences. Standing in line with 6 elderly gentlemen we were asked 10 times what movie we were going to. When we go in to the theater one of them asked Sally three times to remind him what movie he had tickets for. When we were in the movie and it had started 10 men came in and shouted” sorry for the interruption, our bus was late” The guy behind me was shouting in to his cell phone “Harry, it’s me, can you hear me?” After the movie the same guy who didn’t know which movie he was seeing asked for directions to leave the theater. No, I’m not making any of this up.

So, with nothing to do, shopping becomes the pastime. In all my years of travelling we have never declared our purchases in excess of the exemption and here is a safety tip. Don’t do it.

Punching in to the Nexus machine that we had to pay duty resulted in two cards being printed with big dollar signs on them. When we got to the exit I proudly waved the cards and said we are here to pay duty. In to the hall we went where 100 immigrants were standing in line clutching their card board boxes and obnoxious little ankle biters as they waited for the 4 or 5 customs agents to go through their stuff. I pushed my way to the head of the line and demanded to know where the Nexus line was and declared that I’m already admitting I’m over the limit and want to pay my duty.

“There is no line for Nexus in here, it is every man for himself and get to the back of the line” Now I’m in line with all the pigs and chickens and there is a dog howling and barking like you have never heard before. I push to the head of the line again and ask the supervisor if there is a “whistle blowers program”. “Absolutely”, he said, rubbing his hands together.

I stated in hushed tones that I had clear evidence that someone was trying to smuggle a dog in to the country. Now, I thought that at least he would smile and say come on in but nooo. “Get to the back of the line” And so it went.

An hour later we were free.

So that’s it for Florida! Don’t ever mention it again.

Bill Meder

A trip to Florida..i.e. Hell

Well it has been a long time. Nothing to report. I'm writing you this as Sally and I make our way to your house in florida.

I tried to get an upgrade on the flight but as usual nothing was available. Smart me decides to pay extra for the bulkhead seats and booked an aisle for me and one for Sally.

As the plane is boarding who do I see coming down the aisle but a 6 foot 3 giant carrying a backpack bigger than my suitcase and an 8 month old little goober in his arms. Right behind him is another one exactly the same with a 1 year old. Oh Boy, keep moving I say, your seat is probably 45 abc. Nope  right beside me and also right  beside Sally.
Now you know I love kids.

Kids, however should be left home with sitters when their parents travel or they should belong to rich parents with private planes. There is no way they belong in my row on a long or short flight for that matter to anywhere.

First up the young bride opens up her tupperware collection and starts eating penne arribiata with her fingers. I'm thinking, what the hell were you doing before we boarded the plane and what happened that you have to eat within 3 minutes of taking your seat.

Not to worry. The Dads decided they had a common bond and talked over me to each other with skill testing questions about sleep habits, burping programs and diaper changing techniques. Every five minutes one of them would jump up, step over me and bounce up and down in the aisle to entertain the little bugger.The jumping was quite aggressive and all three seats in the row bounced three or four inches off the floor with each motion." Why not let the little ladies have a turn" says I thinking they will have enough brains to give the kid some drugs and force it to sleep. Not so fast.

Breast feeding has never been a favourite of mine. From 8 inches there is a lot of sight and sound activity that is very off putting when you are reading a mystery novel.  Women today aren't as shy as our mothers were.I didn't even know my mother had breasts.

 When it became apparent that a diaper change was called for there was a move to do it at our seat. " Don't even think about it" I said." I am a pedophile and my counsellor says I shouldn't be exposed to naked kids" I spat out at them.

I don't know what diseases these kids have but I have them all now. Each cough resulted in a fine mist sprayed over my entire body. And they came fast and furious for the whole flight.

Finally, I got the two kids on my side of the aisle and moved on to Sally's side. I sat in the middle seat. I love a middle seat in economy. So cozy. The guy sitting beside me was so sticky from kid goop I thought he was wearing Velcro each time I made physical contact with him.

Now I have always known that  when you arrive at the gate and the agent asks how many wheelchairs do they need it is to take off the people who died flying in the back of the plane. I put in my order 1 hour out of Fort lauderdale and hoped that my friends and family would understand that no sane person could live through this.
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Jeremy Reitman is my witness to all of this but he was and probably is still laughing so hard he can't talk so I thought I would get this out before I succumb to whatever disease I am obviously infected with.

Bill Meder