Letters to Jim: How bad can it get?

Dear Jim:

So how bad can it be you ask.

On Saturday one of my golf buddies accused me of trying to artificially raise my handicap so I can be competitive in the Centennial. He thinks my attitude when I’m about to take  a triple boggie suggests that I’m faking it. In addition to insulting me (I’m used to that) he questions my integrity!  First time in 60 years.  When you are getting ready to putt a 30 footer for a 7 on the easiest par 4 on the course is it reasonable to expect deep concentration and careful execution. I think not. Of course he never takes a triple because when he gets to a double he picks up the ball and heads to the next tee.

On Sunday we played couples golf with Rick and  Valerie Doyle on the condition that I sign a release promising them that I wouldn’t name them in a “Dear Jim” letter. Of course I promised. What choice did I have? He is worse than me if that is possible but I’m not allowed to comment on that.

We have four of us who play twice a week. One of the members, who will remain nameless (Glenn Rourke), hasn’t played with us since last September. He always calls in with a conflict. I hear he has played with most of the members of the Bag Shop and his next game is with a few locker room attendants. He insists he is still a  member of the group! He keeps asking for my travel schedule.

At the Centennial where we are all supposed to stay for dinner at a team table my group wants to get home early to watch the weekend version of Wheel of Fortune so I will be at a table for two. This black tie event in high heat and humidity with ear splitting music and 400 people in a room built to accommodate 250  has always been a favorite of mine and I look forward to next years dinner/dance as soon as the current one is over.

The good news is that it is going to rain all weekend.

See you at your daughter’s wedding on Saturday. I asked her if she could move it to next weekend because I wanted  to get a new weed whacker that is on sale this weekend only. She wasn’t amused.

By the way , as Master of Ceremonies,  your instructions of no bad language, no making fun of people, no insulting comments and 90 seconds to speak have been taken in to account. I’ve now got my comments down to a barn burning 30 minutes and there won’t be a dry eye in the house when I tell them the stories of our travels together in the 70’s.

Bill

Letters to Jim: What a stupid sport!

Dear Jim:

My old swing came back! There I was on the Front nine of the Blue course whacking the ball here there and everywhere and suddenly it happened. Pars, birdie and bogeys…no doubles or worse yet triples.

I said to my old swing, “Where have you been? I missed you! I never gave up on you however as I knew that you would be back. All my friends told me so between snickers and rolling eyes. I want you to know I never said anything bad about you and believed in you all during the 2 years you were away. I love you, old swing.”

As I went by the Pro shop after nine I stuck my head in and shouted, “cancel all my lessons…no longer needed…my old swing, my buddy, greatest friend ever is back”.

Now you can see this coming from a mile away can’t you? I shot 42 on the front and 54 on the back nine. My second shot on the 10^th hole went in the water and I put down a 7..my first shot on the 11^th went in to a trap that I couldn’t get out of…and on and on. My new swing, version 22, was back with all the insecurities that only a new swing can inflict. I hate my old swing for showing up and then leaving me just when I needed it most.

If it comes back again I’m going to say “screw you and the horse you rode in on, old swing. We are finished and I’m sticking with new swing version 23 currently under construction.”

Someone sent me this analysis yesterday

"The stages of golf are Sudden Collapse, Radical Change, Complete Frustration, Slow Improvement, Brief Mastery, and Sudden Collapse."

Oh well, at least I can look forward to work this summer to keep my mind off this stupid sport.

Bill

Letters to Jim: And the winners are..

Dear Jim:

So yesterday our team won the Presidents Prize by 4 strokes playing on the more difficult of our two courses. When the Club President read my name, he and everyone who has seen me play this year had a puzzled look on their faces and wondered if there was a typo. As you know I haven’t broken 100 in a string of games that would make the very first time I played golf 30 years ago the best score of the year. I have a new swing that works from time to time but I have a very bad attitude that revolves around my deep hatred for the game of golf.
How did this happen, you ask. Well I was with new team members for the most part because my regular team, having seen my game recently all had headaches or sudden obligations that required them to play with other Bozos and I was on my own.
On the first tee, following my drive, I heard “Holly Crap” what was that. On the second hole when I was lying 5 and they hadn’t hit their second shot yet (I know you think I’m exaggerating but I’m not) I saw the beginning of anxiety on their faces. When I three putted from 4 feet on a hole where I had two shots they were in full panic.
If you are playing a tournament where four players are counting two balls you need all four guys to contribute. If one of the players is clearly out of control the pressure mounts on the remaining three to be careful because there is only one ball that can be screwed up on each hole. As a result the concentration caused by fear and panic of looking like morons to their regular colleagues produces great golf.
My contribution therefore was not related to golf but to forcing the team to really stay focused on every shot. Who knew?
 I will proudly display my winnings in the house and tell everyone who will listen about our team’s domination of this event. Only you know the real truth and you need to keep it quiet. This could change everything as teams look to find hackers to fill out their team to gain an edge.
Bill