Dear Jim:
So when God was putting the finishing touches on the Universe he called together his planning team. “ Everything seems to be settled but I would like suggestions on how I would be able to mess with Men as a form of amusement when I become bored.”
“How about playing golf with your Spouse”? was suggested by one of the nastier members of the group.”
Here is a way to cause mind numbing pain and internal panic while crushing the ability to speak in coherent sentences. All in a way that wouldn’t be visible to the Spouse. What a perfect way to take people who look happy and normal on the outside and mess with them.
“I like it, said God!”
“What about those really annoying do-gooder types that are always talking about how much they like playing with their Spouses.”?
“They may be beyond my reach as they clearly are defective in a fundamental way. Perhaps we could work on quality control in the Sperm and Egg department and try and weed these misfits out right from the get go.”
Or we can let them escalate to a game with two Spouses and two Men. If that doesn’t do it we will just activate the “Bozo” chip and remove them from the mainstream. People will feel sorry for them.
Why do I bring this up? Well one safety tip I have for you as you start to work less is to never come home before 5pm…even if you have nothing to do. Take a couple of extra circuits around the shopping mall to kill time or whatever but don’t come home early. I made that mistake today.
“Lets go and play 9 holes this afternoon”. “Oh Goody, Goody says I and off we go”.
Today Sally decides she is going to test-drive the Power Kaddy which all of her friends swear by and she has been bugging me to get one. This means she can walk and not have to worry about pushing the cart.
I didn’t ask any questions and I assumed everything was going well although on the first hole I didn’t see what she was doing as I was off to the left hitting 5 different trees with 5 separate shots. This isn’t as easy to do as you might think. I should have put some attention to the instructions.
A little known fact is that the Power Kiddy has a top speed of 8 km/hour if you press the “go” button and let go of the handle.
Sally’s top running speed is 7.9km/hr.
I know this because on the par 5 second hole the cart suddenly took off with Sally in hot pursuit. I have never seen her run like that. It was an Olympian performance. Nearly 600 yards further up the fairway the cart finally hit a sand trap near the green and tipped over with the wheels continuing to spin. I continued to play the hole (had a bogey) and I finally arrived to find Sally in a bath of perspiration gasping for air.
Here’s where my big mouth got me in trouble.
I said “I’m going to have to give you a maximum on this hole because your initial drive is back there about 450 yards and you never hit it a second time.”
“What the heck were you thinking?”
Well actually I’m thinking it is a real shame that I don’t have my phone with me because if I had recorded that chase it would be going viral by now.
And I’m also thinking it may have appeared reckless for me to keep playing while the chase was on but the two four woods that I hit were certainly high enough to clear Sally by a good three feet or more.
A real bonus is that I’m not going to have to spend $1600 on a Power Kaddy although treatment for Sally’s pysio therapy may come to the same thing.
I wasn’t going to waste my great drive on that hole to go running down the fairway!
My thinking apparently was not appreciated as much as I would have thought.
Our 9 holes now became 6 holes and a little over an hour after teeing off we were in the car heading home. It is amazing how quickly you play when there is no conversation to slow you down.
It is clear I’m not good at this Spousal Golf stuff and women in general. I’m leafing my way through the Quran where I hear there are a lot of good tips on how to handle women. Hopefully there will be a section on Golfing. I will let you know if something turns up.
Bill Meder
