Dear Jim:
Well, I have been getting so much flack from everyone for not writing you for some time I figured I better get at it.
I haven’t written for a while as I have had to swear to people I’m golfing with that I won’t write a letter about our game since people might figure out who they are and they might get embarrassed.
I’ve saved up some beauties and when you do my Eulogy you will be given the secret writings to pass on at the Ceremony if anyone is there.
I have not been active on the Golf front as I screwed up my back 5 weeks ago. I would like to tell you I threw it out while Cliff diving in my new Batman suit but actually it was less dramatic than that.
I was sitting on the floor and decided to move forward 3 inches. In doing so I initiated a firing up of the entire spinal system and ligaments designed to motor this old body through anything that pops up. As dumb as this system is through poor design and maintenance I brought forth a twisting knife blade sensation in the lower back that knocked me over.
I crawled upstairs on my hands and knees and after a lot of mind-altering drugs
( some of which I have become very fond of) I was able to sit up and watch TV. Whoever was responsible for designing the Back System way back when is definitely living in Hell forever and deservedly so.
This is now 5 weeks later and I have just begun the Golf season.
So last weekend off I go with my dear wife ,Sally to play 9 holes on the Dixie course, which is for kids, and over 80’s driving special carts.
After the second hole she decided to give me advice, which I’m always looking forward to both on and off the course.
“I think the trick is to hit the ball as few times as possible” she offered.
Well wholly molly who knew?
Clearly that $25,000 for lessons did not go to waste. I countered that this was a good idea and I would do my best.
The little morsels of wisdom kept coming for 9 holes. Since she now outdrives me and usually has a lower score than me I didn’t think I could say much.
So no more 9 holers for me. I’m busy if asked.
Yesterday was a return to Couples Golf, which I am particularly excited about as a uniquely mind numbing activity. I don’t know why I find it the way I find it. Perhaps it’s the conversation during the round. You can't help thinking..Where is Johnny Miller when we need him?
The putt is 15 feet short of the hole.
Player A says “That’s Short”
Player B says, “You have to hit it”
Player C says, “This is a tough hole
I’m thinking, “just shoot me now”
On to the next Tee
Player A says, “I hooked it”
Player B says, “It went left”
Player C says, “It will play from there”
I’m thinking, “There is no way I’m going in to the bush to look for that ball…I’ll just hang back here a bit.”
Putts that are close are met with OOOOO’s and AHHHHH’s and if you close your eyes you would swear you were at a performance of Swan Lake at Place Des Arts.
Putts that are looking to cause a 7,8 or 9 on the card are quickly given with the backhand swat of the putter…”That’s Good”
After a few hours of this I look at my scorecard and realize we still have 5 holes to go. Will this never end? I love a 5-hour round. So many more opportunities to enjoy the sun set.
There is a special clock for Couples golf. Each hour gets you a debit of 90 minutes on your life clock so you want to keep this activity to a minimum. And if it seems like you have been playing forever…you have!
I always enjoy finishing up with the 20 minute shower. After being in the hot summer afternoon it takes steel wool and a wire brush to get the 60 SPF sun tan lotion off. I can then get all dressed up in my three best things, that I carried lovingly from the trunk of my car on hangers with socks and undies stuffed in the pockets and proceed to dinner. There I see the same Couples that have been there every Sunday since 1986. Tradition….its a wonderful thing.
Now don’t get me wrong. The Couples we play with are great fun to be with and we have a great time. If there were no golf involved it would be a perfect outing.
Next week I join my regular group and I’m going to be ready to work hard to improve my game to the same level it was last year. I need to go from “Bloody awful “to “I hate this game”. I think I can do it.
Now, I have just finished the book "The Miracle at Augusta".
Each time the hero tees it up he says to the group.
“No Gimmies,
No Mulligans,
No Bull Shit
Lets play Golf!”
This will be my opening-rallying cry going forward even though it will add 5 strokes a round to the score. Has a nice ring to it.
