Dear Jim:
Well game one of the season is over. I stepped up to the
warm up range and belted out several shots that had one on looker threatening
to have my amateur status revoked.
First hole, putting up close for par, second hole more of
the same, a couple of bogeys, a par, another par…Now I suppose you think I’m
going to say that the wheels fell off etc etc etc. No, that would be totally
predictable and I’m not going to insult you with such an obvious breakdown
description.
In truth, I played my usual crappy, shitty, ugly, freaking
asshole, horrible, moronic, spastic, mind numbing, physically disgusting and
embarrassing game with a thundering crescendo at the end that put three balls
in the water on 17 Blue for an 8. Did I
mention that it is a par 3! Who knew?
Since last October 11 I have looked forward to this game and
prepared for it 5-7 days per week, every week. The good thing about the mental
anguish by hole 18 is that my back was aching so badly that I could justify the
tears streaming down my face as pain related.
As soon as this sprained wrist heals itself and the golfers
elbow on my left arm lets up along with the sharp pains moving down nerves in
both legs, I’m going to get busy.
Now it isn’t all-bad. I now can isolate and describe exactly
what goes wrong with each shot. Topped it….came up in the back swing. Slice
…came over the top. Pop fly to the left woods…stayed on my back foot. Duck
hook…came around. Hit it fat….hooded clubface, dug a trench..too steep. etc
etc. Now the fact that no shot is predictable and each and every one is viewed
with awe by the others in my foursome is not important. What is important is
that at the end of the game I have incredible amounts of data to share and what
could be more satisfying than that.
Granted, for now it is totally useless information. No one
seems to care that I can describe exactly what went wrong in real time. In fact
they ignore me and talk among themselves but by the end of the game I can talk
for about two hours about my game. I’ve listened by the hour while good golfers
in the 19th hole say, “oh, on the 6th hole I went in with a wedge from
52 yards and had a nine foot putt for eagle. I never say, “you should save that
story for someone who might give a damn”. I listen politely and wait for my
turn.
Now with the extensive experience I have developed I’m going
to be able to give a hole-by-hole description that will bring these single
digit handicappers to their knees. I’m going to need a bigger table in the 19th
hole.
With my new found passion I need to organize more games. The
last time anyone called me for a golf game was in 1986. In fact I have been noticing
that I don’t get many calls for anything anymore. My caller ID is useless. When
I look at the display I usually see “Sears Service Center” or some other
unidentifiable number that leads me to, a Cruise I’ve just won, discussion.
I have concluded that most of my friends must have phones
that only do incoming calls, and that applies to everything, not just golf. It is puzzling because with all those people
playing every day someone is phoning someone to organize the game. No?
Two years ago I arranged with a club member to play every
Tuesday. We played the first game and I haven’t seen or spoken to him since. I
know he is still a member because his name is in the book. I recently asked a
friend who I know would be a good guy to play with if he wanted to arrange a
regular game on Tuesday’s. He was very friendly about it but said he was busy
Tuesdays… this year! I’m going to keep looking. There are all the “club within
a club” gangs that play Wednesday and Fridays but no one will tell me who is in
the group or how one gets accepted to play.
In the meantime my regular group has two out of three
regular members who can tolerate playing with me and this will allow me to play
two days a week.
Sally insists we play with couples on Sundays but no couple
has asked us to play with them for 7 years. This means I will probably continue
to play Sundays with her alone. You know how I love that as you and I have
talked about it several times when you were talking me down from committing
suicide. Turns out that Sally feels the same way so we will have to work harder
at it. Last year I spent $4000 on guest fees bringing in strangers to make up a
foursome but this year I’m going to concentrate on members.
I have a strategy to employ in case things don’t get better.
It may involve a physical golf ending injury but I’m going to keep it a secret
for now.
Stay tuned.
Bill Meder
