Letters to Jim: Golf just keeps getting better and better

Dear Jim:
 
Jim,  the new season has begun and I can't believe how much I still hate this game.

First, those of you who said, "relax, it comes back" are full of Shit.
I've changed my grips, my shafts and my heads. I’ve changed my putter for a
new hydrafloppy power mesh backup tweaker model. New cleats on my shoes, new socks, new glove.

I even found a new Golf Pro who has dismissed the 50,000 swings I have taken under other Pro's over the past 15 years and given me 16 brand new swing thoughts that will change my life. It is going to take up to 3 years before it all falls in to place but every monday at 5pm you can see me thrashing away at the range.

I have discovered a new mathematical equation. The number of ways you can think of to kill yourself is directly proportional to the number of suggestions your wife offers during Sunday golf.

My last three games have been 96,94,95 and my handicap is climbing like spaceship Endeavour. I am now in the position where I can only play with another member once so it won't be long before my games will all be with guests!

The only theory that makes sense is that my new exercise program has destroyed the muscle memory of my fabulous swing of days gone by.

I did get the distinct feeling that a lot of peole are enjoying my pain. This is known as Schadenfreude or the pleasure derived from observing the misery of others. I actually have made this my main source of glee in other aspects of my life so I understand and forgive you all.

The one really good thing is that I no longer have to think about investing $100k in a golf membership in Florida. Who would want to do this 12 months a year?

Regards,

Bill

Letters to Jim: The golf game begins anew.

 Dear Jim:

In answer to the basic question, “ Is your game back?” I would have to say yes…it is back to about 1984.  I think that I must be facing death and this is clearly the “flashing before your eyes” that is reported to occur at the end.

At any rate, based on the suggestions I have been receiving I now have proof positive that there are more horse’s asses than there are horses.People have suggested I focus on the entire golf club experience and not just on the whacking of balls. In that spirit, I have discovered that I’m very good at showering. It also seems that applying talcum powder without making a mess is a skill worth bragging about. This was a good suggestion

I have discovered an enemy at the club…. it is youth! Young, fit guys with six packs and a beautiful partner on their arms should not be allowed to call you “sir”. It is demeaning and an obvious attempt to intimidate. In fact the whole raft of new members who are golfing up a storm is a problem. We need to recruit new members who don’t golf. What’s wrong with limiting new members for the next two years to swimming pool party types? Lets think out of the box.

Yesterday I discovered that when you are about to clobber someone with an errant ball your are supposed to say “ um…excuse me…Fore…I do say FORE!” This is another piece of BS that is theoretical only and in practice saying “Fore” doesn’t even remotely come in to your mind.

I was hitting my shot from under a tree with a three wood from the left rough on number four blue (yes it was my third shot). As the ball left my club I noticed that it was heading (sliced a tad I would say) directly at the wife of my friend who had asked us to play in the mixed-member. Shouting “fore” never entered my mind. My first shout was “ Holly Shit!” My second shout, much louder, was ”For Christ Sakes…DUCK!!”

Now, I couldn’t lie and say it was someone else because she saw the brand and ball number as it passed her face. I discovered several things in this incident. When someone is clearly in a state of shock humor probably isn’t appropriate. When I asked if she wanted me to drive to the clubhouse and get a change of underwear, none of the group was amused. Saying things like a “miss is as good as a mile” didn’t much cut it either. Asking, “ did you see where it landed?” didn’t bring a response either. The shock wore off after awhile and fortunately I was able to up and down, down for a six.

Lessons learned from this episode include, “ killing or maiming your friend’s wife during a game is probably not good and would ruin the whole match” On the other hand it would make a hell of a bar story. Also fairly clear is that when someone calls you an asshole more than three times in one minute it is probably not a term of endearment. I don’t think she will walk ahead of me again.

 In summary it is not going well on the golf front. Our new golf pro, Colin, has disowned me. Yesterday at the range I called to him as he passed by and asked him how he liked this shot. Without looking up he said, “Great Bob, keep it up”. Standing beside me was Ted Fletcher who also asked Colin to take a quick look at something in his swing. 10 minutes later, complete with a slow motion color video under his arm along with anatomical sketches in 3D, Ted said “thanks” and Colin moved on.

For those of you who are able to fake your sincerity in concern for my general state of emotional health, thank you for your comments. This is the last of Bill Meder.

Bill Meder